


Secret Door

by mikayla2126 (casketgowns)



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Indie Music RPF, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, POV First Person, Relationship(s), Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2015-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-24 19:03:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 37,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2592794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casketgowns/pseuds/mikayla2126
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miles' love for Alex has been something he's kept hidden for years, until Alex finally lets him know his true feelings in a moment of weakness. However, Alex's unstable emotions and uncontrollable vices may prove to complicate their relationship as he drags Miles into a dangerous, yet enticing, world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hello some of you may know this story from where i previously wrote it on my wattpad account. (gothicwife) I decided to move it here because I feel like the fic on this site is more abundant and more well written. I will be continuing the story here and probably not updating it any on my wattpad account thanks and i hope you enjoy!

My god, he was so beautiful and the night was so beautiful and I was so beautifully drunk.

Under the almost hypnotic and somehow simultaneously nightmarish light of the evening, I was swimming in the surreal paradise that was Miles' embrace. I told myself I didn't know what had happened or how I had gotten here, but of course I knew. I knew he was mesmerizing and all I had been thinking about for weeks on end before I finally ended up drunk enough and brave enough and fucking crazy enough to give in to myself.

I finally caved in and let my emotions run through my body like hot lava stinging and burning at all the cracks around my heart. I finally admitted to myself something I had been burying inside me for so long. I finally admitted to myself how fucking gorgeous he was and how hard it was for me to always look away when he caught my eye, to always turn my head down when he danced around on stage like a maniac, his smile making my hands shake.

I told myself how much I loved it when he hugged me even for just that fraction of a second after we finished playing. That flicker of a moment would run through my mind for months like a faulty film projector, distorting the image with time. I let myself realize how warm and safe I felt when his arms were around me, and I let myself realize how much I needed that fraction of a second to last for hours.

So there I was, so pitifully drunk and pitifully shameless, breathing softly against Miles' chest as he stroked my hair. It was almost as if he was silently reassuring me that this was all going to last forever and that I wasn't going to have to wake up tomorrow with my head aching and full of turmoil from more than just alcohol.

His steady hands tried to reassure me that I wasn't going to have to wake up tomorrow and crush his beautiful heart.


	2. Chapter 2

-Miles-

I hated Alex, I really fucking did. I hated how he sauntered around the room, slinging alcohol on the floor and slurring dried out compliments to barely average girls. This party was honestly horrific in every way and it was even more fucking embarrassing being here with Alex acting like a complete and total moron. 

I sat on the edge of the sofa, smoking a cigarette casually and trying to drown out the incessant noise. I couldn't believe I always let Alex drag me places I knew I would never go on my own in a million years. I scolded myself constantly for my nagging need to always spend time with him even in shitholes like this one. I guess I secretly found something endearing in watching Alex try to impress girls with his sloppy dance moves to some god awful rap tune every night. 

My mind lingered like the swirling smoke of my cigarette and I found myself recalling the first time I realized how I truly felt about Alex. God, it must have been 5 or more years ago, and I still hadn't straightly told him. I was so petrified of losing him over this stupid little crush.

But, god, it wasn't just a stupid little crush. He may have been a stupid little man, but my heart pounded every time I heard him say my name and smile. 

I rubbed my forehead in stress, trying to erase the delusional thoughts from my mind. Lately I could not stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried. It was slowly turning me bitter and cold, especially towards Alex. I turned around to watch him attempting to dance and I let myself smile fondly. His pathetic dancing was unbearable to watch for many reasons, but all I could focus on was how his shirt was unbuttoned halfway and his hair was flopping down in his face, his glossy eyes shielded from my longing gaze. 

I fucking wanted him and it was bordering on ridiculous. 

"C'mon, Al, we're going home," I sternly stated, getting up from my seat and tugging on his arm to get him away from the pack of people.

"No way, mate! Tha party's jus' started!" Al slurred his words into each other so badly I couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Shut up, you're fucking pissed, now let's go."

Alex whined softly in the back of his throat, pleading with me for a second, but I wasn't going to be dragged into his eyes again like I always was. It was so impossible for me to concentrate when he looked at me though, and I felt my throat close up. 

"No, we're leaving," I managed to choke out, turning towards the door as I pulled him so he wouldn't see how strained the expression on my face was. 

 

\---------------

In the car Alex was being so needy I wanted to vomit. He kept changing the radio stations, and fidgeting in his seat until I would almost yell at him to stop. I wasn't so much aggravated with him anymore as I was aggravated with how adorable this was to me and how it was breaking my heart. I needed to take a cold shower to clear my head of all this. 

Alex suddenly stopped flipping stations and sat back in his chair. He grabbed my arm and I almost swerved off the road.

"Jesus, mate, what is it?" I complained, quietly relishing in the fact that his fingers were still digging into my arm like he never wanted to let go.

"This fucking song, mate, I swear I fink of you every time I 'ear it...." Alex mumbled, turning it up louder as his slurred words grew softer. 

I recognized it almost immediately. Sugar Kane by Sonic Youth.

"Oh, jesus...." I mumbled.

But that's when Alex started singing along quietly.

"You're perfect in the way, a perfect end today. 

You're burning out their lights, and burning in their eyes.

I love you Sugar Kane, a-comin from the rain.

Oh kiss me like a frog, and turn me into flame.

I love you all the time, I need you 8 to 9.

And I can stay all night, your body shining..."

"That's you, innit? Sugar Kane! Hahaha..." Alex laughed, letting go of my arm now and muttering the words to himself as I drifted away from reality.

Al was so fucking out of it he probably didn't even know what he was saying, but my heart was swelling as he continued to sing. I had never really paid attention to the lyrics before, I just knew my mum had sometimes called me Sugar Kane because of this song, and I figured it was just nonsense anyway like most Sonic Youth songs. When Al sang it though the words were floating around us in a hazy cloud of drunken affection and I never wanted it to end. 

So I laughed along with Alex as he now blurted out the words accompanied with his famously ridiculous facial expressions. 

He looked so other-worldly with his sweaty hair falling all across his face and his soft brown eyes glazed over with the heat of the evening. The music seemed to travel like a breeze through him and his silky whisper singing to me was enough to make me feel like I wasn't even on this plane of reality anymore. Alex sang with his eyes closed, tossing his arms around, trying to dance in his seat. He looked just like an angel and I didn't know if I could believe this moment was real.

"I love you, Sugar Kane, I love you Sugar Kane....."


	3. Chapter 3

In the harsh light of the morning, Alex looked pristine.

I had laid him down gently in my bed last night, wishing more than anything that I could have accompanied him there, and watched his drunken smile droop into a blissful face of sleep. I slept on the couch, and all night my mind fought with itself.

Did Alex really think about me when he heard Sugar Kane? I mean, it would make sense just because of my name but the lyrics...the lyrics suggested something more that excited me too much. I tried to make myself forget, to tell myself he was too drunk to even recognize the words, but I always came back to asking if he had actually been so drunk he let his guard down. I asked myself if possibly, he had been so out of it, that his real feelings had pushed themselves up from his stomach and out of his beautiful mouth. 

I let myself imagine for a flicker of a moment, Alex on his own in his room, playing that Sonic Youth record and getting quiet when that song came on. I pictured the cigarette that would've no doubt been between his delicate fingers, resting at the edge of his lips as he let the song carry him away.

My heart felt warm, but guilt crept over me when I remembered Alex was asleep in my bed as I was praying silently he thought of me as much as I thought of him.

\----------

Al woke up slowly, and shuffled into the kitchen at around 12:30. I smiled at him, trying not to be too obvious, and handed him coffee.

"How are ya, mate?" I asked, laughing softly.

Alex rolled his eyes at me and took a drink.

"Bloody fuckin' terrible...," he mumbled, his voice deeper and rougher than usual. 

I gulped, hiding my face inside my coffee cup to keep myself occupied. I wondered if I should tell him.

He sat down on the stool behind the counter I was leaning against, and my eyes tried not to wander over where the buttons of his wine-colored shirt had popped open in the night so that he was now almost shirtless. I didn't want to linger too long on how messy his hair looked and how pretty his mouth was. I turned around to the cabinet behind me to make myself busy.

"Anything to eat?" I asked.

"I don't really care..." he said quietly. "Whatever you want I'll 'ave.."

I worked swiftly, making pancakes for us and trying my best at sufficient small talk. Alex seemed heavy and quiet though. I didn't want to get my hopes up for what could've been on his mind. 

After I had given Al a plate with two pancakes, and made up one for myself, I sat down next to him to eat. It was silent at first, until he spoke up.

"Hey, Miles," he started.

I looked over. "Yeah?" 

My heart jumped into my throat for a split second as I sat on the edge of anticipation. Al's lips set parted inches from me and the possibility of him saying just what I wanted him to say was hanging in the air like static. 

"Just how drunk was I last night?" Al's face brightened into a smile, and his stupid lopsided grin turned toward me. 

I tried not to show my disappointment, and instead smiled at him. He didn't remember anything and I told him about how he danced on those girls at the party and how he whined at me not to make him leave. I told him how he passed out in the car and I had to carry him into my bed. Alex grinned as I spoke, and I almost told him about the radio and singing Sugar Kane, but I wanted to wait for him to bring it up himself. 

"Oh, Jesus..." Alex laughed, taking another drink of coffee. He tapped his fingers against the counter like he was waiting to say something else. The silence felt so loud, like ringing in my ears. I wanted to tell him. I needed to and I knew it. This had been torturing me for so long and it felt sickening at times, trying to hold it in. 

I almost opened my mouth. I almost puked it out all over myself under the spell of my too-strong emotions when he looked so perfect sitting next to me with his sleepy face. 

"I'm gonna shower," he said, getting up to clean off his plate and walk to the bathroom. 

I sighed into my hands, and listened for the shower to come on. I didn't know why I had this sudden urgency to tell him everything. I had spent five years already suppressing my feelings, trying to subtly drop hints that seemed to go way over his head, surely I could keep it to myself longer?

I didn't know what it was, but lately I just wanted to touch him more than ever before. Maybe I was getting more lonely as time dragged by and he seemed to drift further away from me. 

I sat in silence for a while, trying to arrange my thoughts in a pattern that actually made sense, but before long I heard what sounded like Alex singing from the bathroom. 

I got up and walked over as quietly as I could, and sure enough I heard Alex's perfect voice. I slid down the wall next to the bathroom door, and tried to make out the lyrics. It was completely enough for me to just sit and listen to his soothing voice, but I was too curious. I closed my eyes to concentrate, and within a few seconds I recognized the song.

It was Sugar Kane.


	4. Chapter 4

I didn't tell Alex about hearing him singing in the shower. It probably didn't even mean anything, no matter how much I really wanted it to.

Sitting in the living room, I saw Alex pass into my bedroom in just a towel wrapped around his waist and I felt my heart pace quicken. I turned toward the television to try and drown out my thoughts.

"Can I borrow some clothes, mate?" I suddenly heard his voice, right up behind me, and I jumped a little from my spot on the sofa.

"Sure," I said. "Want me to get em for ya?"

"Why not?" Alex retorted, with an almost cocky smile on his face. It was always like he knew something I didn't.

We walked back to my room silently, and I felt light-headed at the sight of him completely shirtless. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it before, but it always made me weak. 

Alex and I had always had a very indescribable relationship. There were times when I suspected he was actually dropping hints to me. On stage when we would perform and his hugs would last a little longer than usual, or when we would be walking down the street and his hand would brush mine just a little bit too obviously, those were the times that made me catch my breath. When I would get a little flirty on stage and he would just smile back like he was having the time of his life, or when he would give me that knowing smirk with his brown eyes shining after I said something funny, those were the times that wrenched my heart like nothing else. 

But, there were the times that made me freeze up and ache all over. When Alex would bring home girls after a show when it was supposed to be just us hanging out, or when it would seem he'd try his best to not get too close to me on stage, I always felt sick to my stomach. These incidents were always sporadic. It's like I never knew what to expect with him at certain times, and it was hard to deal with. For some reason, I still chased after him like he was the finish line at the end of a race. 

I pulled out a soft grey t-shirt and jeans for Alex to wear home. We shared clothes occasionally, and I've always known what looks best on him. He looks so sharp in his usual suits and dress shirts, but when he dresses down I melt every time. His big arms look so defined in a t-shirt, and blue jeans sit so snug around his hips and ass. The image alone was making me lose my mind.

"Thanks," he mumbled, taking the clothes and walking to the bathroom.

"No problem." 

Alex looked so cute when he left, I felt my heart sting. I wanted to kiss him so bad, just a small goodbye kiss, and I swear I almost did. As he turned his head to wave and smile before he walked off, I almost grabbed his cheeks and kissed him softly, just enough to make my heart flutter and his hands touch my waist. I wanted to kiss him just enough to make him feel safe and loved. 

\-------------------

I hadn't seen Alex in a few days, so I was looking forward to the party Matt was having at his flat tonight. 

I arrived a little early, and saw the familiar yellow color of a shirt I knew Al owned. I felt myself grin stupidly, and I walked over to him quickly, only to be let down.

He had his arm draped over a girl's shoulders, and a beer in his hand talking to another guest. The girl was extremely pretty and Alex looked comfortable enough with her that I assumed he had brought her here with him. 

"Fuck me..." I sighed, lighting a cigarette, and blowing the smoke into a dreary cloud above my head. Suitable. 

I meandered over to Matt and Nick who seemed to be trying to choose what song to play next. 

"Hey, mate!" Matt called out when he saw me. "Whatcha been up to?" 

"Nothing, really. Hey, who's that bird Al's got with him?"

"Some model, I dunno her name."

"D-did he come here with her?" I tried my best to sound casual, like I was just trying to make conversation, but I felt so obvious.

"I think so, mate. Why, you fancy her?" Nick chimed in, chuckling a bit.

I felt myself blush a little bit. "Nah, just curious is all." 

I turned around and watched Al and the girl from where we were standing. He was smiling at something she was saying, and had his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder casually as they talked. 

"He's definitely in for a shag tonight..." I heard Matt say to Nick behind me. 

I sighed, walking to the other side of the room where they were out of my field of vision. 

I looked out the window of the flat, watching the city below us and smoking silently. I contemplated just going home, but I didn't want to disappoint Matt. He had been looking forward to everyone coming over, plus if I left too early Matt and Nick might suspect it had something to do with Alex. 

The night looked particularly gloomy to me, and I was starting to realize exactly how much my affections for Alex hindered my life on a day to day basis. I had never realized before, the extent of which I thought about him, but fuck was it constant! In fact, I couldn't really remember the blur of days behind me since I had seen Alex. I had been so looking forward to seeing him tonight that I had gotten my hopes up too high and now I was lower than ever. 

"Hey, mate! I didn't see you come in!" I suddenly heard him yelling from across the room. I turned around to meet Alex's brown eyes, wild with happiness and liqour. I couldn't help but smile in return. 

He hugged me briefly, but my chest swelled at the smell of his cologne and the feeling of his body, even for just that small amount of time. 

"Hey, see my girl ova' there?" Alex almost whispered, putting his arm around my shoulders and speaking close to my face. 

"A right stunner, ain't she?" he laughed at himself, giving me that cheeky open-mouthed smile of his that I could never resist.

"A bit, yeah," I replied, smiling along to please him. 

"Don't be like that, mate, we'll find ya a girl if you're feelin' lonely!" he laughed louder now, his hand on my shoulder and his nose crinkling up. He shook his head at himself, and took a sip of beer. He wasn't really drunk, yet, but he was becoming more talkative and rude, so he was getting there. 

"Ya seem down, mate, what's wrong?" 

"I don't really know," I muttered. "Bit out of it lately, s'pose..."

I was interrupted by a girl, Alex's girl, calling over to him.

"Alex! I couldn't find you, what's going on?" she asked, smiling and grabbing his arm.

I felt sick.

"Oh! Danielle, this is me mate, Miles," he introduced me. 

I shook her hand and did my best to be polite. 

"I'll let you guys to it," I said softly, turning my back. 

"See ya," Alex mumbled, already lost in conversation with Danielle again. 

\---------

I sat around for another half an hour, and in that time Alex managed to get fairly well blitzed. He was dancing rather sloppily, and Danielle seemed bored of his antics. I was also almost certain he had spilled beer on her dress at some point in the night. I chuckled to myself, seeing as Danielle realized Al wasn't the glamorized man she originally thought he was. Alex was a dork and an idiot and an arrogant, cheeky, bastard, but I loved it and I was glad she was now eliminated from the competition. 

I walked over to where Alex was trying to talk to her, but instead spitting beer on her hands and dropping cigarette ashes on her feet. She was grinning politely, but slowly trying to move further away from him. 

I mouthed the words to her, "I'll take care of this," and let her walk away briskly.

"Hey, Al!" I exclaimed, patting him on the back as I approached him.

"What's 'appening, mate?" Alex laughed, turning around and letting almost half the end of a burning cigarette fall down to the floor.

I smiled at him. He was such a fucking moron.

"Listen, you want me to drive ya home? You're in rough shape tonight, lad."

"Nah, I got me girl and we're gonna 'ang there, tha knows..."

"Oh really, where is she then?" I asked, grinning.

Alex whipped his head around and searched for her. 

"Shit! She left!" he exclaimed, looking up at me with such disappointed eyes. 

"It's alright, mate. Ya wanna come over to my place and watch a movie or something?" I prompted, almost physically crossing my fingers in hope.

"I guess so, nothin' else to do, really." 

On the drive home, Alex was talkative the majority of the time, having completely forgotten about Danielle. My change in mood was so astounding that I probably should've been worried, but I was with Al so I didn't care about anything.

About halfway back to my place though, he dozed off. It was odd without his constant chatter, but he looked so peaceful when he slept. God, I just wanted him to be safe. I wanted to take care of him, and make sure he had a warm bed to sleep in and coffee and breakfast in the morning. I mean, he had that all at home, but I was paranoid and delirious around him. 

I carried him into the apartment, not daring to wake him up or be away from the warmth of his body. 

I laid him down in my bed and took his shoes off for him. He was still out cold. I resisted the burning urge to kiss his forehead or cheek, and walked to make my bed in the living room. I turned on the set for some background noise and attempted to fall asleep, having achieved a pleasant amount of satisfaction for the night. 

As I had nearly dozed off I heard Alex from my room.

"Miles...?" 

My heart quickened when he said my name, his voice groggy with sleep. I walked back to him, trying not to be too eager.

"What can I get ya?" I asked softly.

"Come lay with me, please...." Alex breathed out, still looking half asleep. 

I almost choked on my own gasp.

"Lay in bed with me," Alex mumbled, searching my face with his angelic eyes.

"Why...." I barely asked.

"I'm lonely, Mi..." he murmured so gently, his voice low and dreamy as he whispered to me. 

I crawled in next to him, facing his back and closing my eyes, not daring to touch him because I was so blessed with this already. After a few moments, I heard his pretty voice again.

"Will you hold me, Miles?"

This had to be a dream. Every sentence coming out of his mouth was transcendent and immaculate, nothing like a human experience. My breath was faint, and my hands were shaky as I reached an arm around him, and pulled his body up against mine swiftly. He sat still for a minute, and then snuggled into my grasp. touching my hand with his. 

I closed my eyes, in honest paradise. I kept pushing though, and laid my chin tenderly on his shoulder, breathing against his neck, dying inside to kiss it. I rubbed my fingers over his hand, soothing his body to sleep. I prayed he would remember this being his idea in the morning while I simultaneously promised myself I wouldn't fall asleep too soon. 

Just before I broke that promise, however, Al moved. He turned his body around so we faced each other. I knew once he laid his head against my chest he would hear how deafening the pounding of my heart was and how my secret would be out immediately. He said nothing though, just laid his lovely head against my chest and breathed steadily on my skin. I didn't want to move or even breathe, too afraid of disturbing him. I was so unimaginably happy. 

"Goodnight, Al," I said, stroking his hair to help him drift off.

 

 

Alex

"So there I was, so pitifully drunk and pitifully shameless, breathing softly against Miles' chest as he stroked my hair. It was almost as if he was silently reassuring me that this was all going to last forever and that I wasn't going to have to wake up tomorrow with my head aching and full of turmoil from more than just alcohol. His steady hands tried to reassure me that I wasn't going to have to wake up tomorrow and crush his beautiful heart."


	5. Chapter 5

-Alex-

I remembered it all so clearly, even though I didn't want to. I remembered feeling my stomach jolt when I saw Miles, and I remembered my mind going blank of anything besides him. 

I wished I didn't know why I did it, but I didn't wish I hadn't.

In the calm quiet of his apartment, with my head buzzing warmly, it felt natural. It felt simple and sweet, like we had been lovers for years. His body felt magnificent. I could have never imagined the way I felt laying against his chest if I hadn't done it. It was something so different from anything else.

I was so nervous when I asked him, but I knew he would do it. There was always such a tenderness about him, that had me seeing right through him since the beginning. I played along for a while, pleasing him since I knew he liked me so much.

I don't fancy him. I would tell myself that a lot in those first few years, and it worked for a while. I don't know exactly when it was but at some point I knew that statement had become a lie.

Maybe it was when he first got up really close to my face on stage that I felt that rush of heat in my stomach, alerting me that I enjoyed him there. Or maybe it was that critical moment on a random night, drunk and listening to records, that he smiled at me dreamily, and my smile back was just as genuine. 

But, no, no matter what I could never let him know. So why did I give in so easily this particular night? It was just a crush, just a stupid embarrassing crush. 

I had missed him so much, and he had looked so irresistible, mysterious and brooding with his cigarette hanging from his agitated mouth. I don't know why I projected him in this light when to most people he was the least intimidating person they had ever met. For some reason he towered over me in my mind, and every word that came out of his mouth could have either created or destroyed me. 

I couldn't let him know. This was just a stupid infatuation and lustful obsession that would fade once I gave it enough time. I couldn't lead him on and crush him into pieces. 

But I had missed him so much, and I was feeling reckless with him so near me.

\--------

In the morning I felt like I was still under the spell of the night before. I woke up with my cheek pressed against Miles' shirt and my initial feeling was one of such contentment that I couldn't stop smiling. I snuggled into Miles for as long as the feeling lasted, and then instant panic washed over my body, leaving me numb.

I froze up and realized what I had done. I looked up at Miles' sleeping face, and I felt my heart ache like it was sore. I pulled away from his body as slowly as I could, but his eyelids fluttered.

"Al.....?" he mumbled in the most beautiful sleepy voice I had ever heard.

I blocked out how it made me want to smile, and I pulled all the way away from his body. He laid silent for a minute, looking at me nervously. 

"I-I need to go home...." I muttered, turning to get off the bed.

"Alex, wait," Miles insisted, pulling on my arm back into the bed. He let his fingers slip into mine, and I didn't resist.

Miles didn't say anything for a moment, I mean how could he? I had just made things more awkward than before and had no words to explain myself.

He looked at our hands joined together and smiled sheepishly, before looking back up at me directly into my eyes. He was searching for my feelings which he wouldn't find. 

"Y'know, Al....I've been wantin' to tell ya this for a real long time now, but I never had the courage you see.." he rambled, staring at our hands intertwined and shooting up glances at my straight face.

"I mean, where do you wanna take it from here?" he said it quietly, after a moment, looking right at me.

I glanced down at my hand inside his, and pulled it away slowly, not daring to watch his face as I did.

"Nowhere, Mi..." I said softly as I tried to let him down easy. "I don't fancy you that way, mate, sorry."

Miles face fell, and he tried to hide it. He couldn't in a million years though. I saw the disappointment envelope his delicate eyes and my heart sank. 

'What about last night, Alex?" Miles asked me after a moment of silence. His voice was more collected now and there was an irritated edge.

"I-I don't know, Mi...I was drunk out my mind...things just happen..." I sighed, not having any real explanation that I could tell him. 

"Oh, bullshit!" he suddenly flared up, rising from the bed.

"You weren't so drunk you couldn't make the decision of whether or not to ask me to fall asleep fucking holding you against me and stroking your hair!"

I walked over to him, getting pissed that he was yelling at me, and became defensive. 

"I'm not fucking gay, Miles! I don't fancy men! Get it through your brain, alright mate?" I yelled back, stretching out my hands and raising my brow at him.

"What's that supposed to mean, then? 'Get it through your brain,'!" Miles retorted.

"It means I know how long you've been fucking obsessed with me, Miles! It's pretty fucking obvious, so don't think otherwise. The way you're always lookin' at me, and trying to touch me all casually. I know what it's all about, there's no sense in trying to keep it a secret!" I hated him so much. I hated him for being so in love with me. 

"Just leave, honestly, don't worry about fucking explaining yourself and your behavior last night then!" he shouted, his voice cracking slightly at the end of his sentence.

My blood boiled and my eyes started to sting with tears he couldn't see. 

"Fucking, fine, then!" I shouted, storming off before I let myself fall apart.

I had to take the bus back to my apartment because my car was at home where I had left it before Matt's party, so afraid of getting too drunk. The bus wasn't very crowded and it seemed to suit the mood ironically. I sat in the back, curled up with my feet in the seat and my knees by my chin. 

I cried silently in the lonely space, avoiding eye contact with any other passengers, almost forgetting they were there when the world was crumbling around me.

I didn't know why I was so torn up. It was just a crush, like a boyhood crush you get when you're still trying to find out who you are and how you fit into life. That's exactly what it was, really. It was about fucking time I got over it, and Miles was just going to have to deal with that reality.


	6. Chapter 6

-Miles-

A space of two weeks had separated Alex and I since that day so full of stormy emotions. I had been glad to finally get away from him and all the stress it caused me to be around him. I was so nervous to see him again, though. He had made it clear he wasn't interested the last time we talked, but that still didn't explain his actions. It didn't matter though, he didn't need to have any real reasoning for not being attracted to me and I promised myself I was fine and I was going to leave him alone.

Would it be awkward between us now, though? I was so scared to see him and to see how he would act towards me. I never knew Alex to hold a grudge, but this fight had been something on a different level. It was all inevitable, anyway, as the day of the festival we would be playing togther drew nearer.

\-----------

I played earlier in the day than Alex and the guys, so that explained why I didn't see Alex during my set, but somehow it still only heightened my nerves and made me feel sick. 

"They probably haven't even arrived yet," I told myself, trying to lessen the pain of the situation. I told myself that Al wasn't still angry with me, and that if he'd been there he would have been sidestage. I wasn't confident in the truth of that statement. 

During Come Closer, I literally couldn't stop thinking about Alex, and I almost messed up the song due to it. At the end of the show I went to grab a beer, and saw Al doing the same

In a white button up shirt that I loved, with gray pants and dress shoes without socks, he stood with his hand on his stupid little hip, sipping a beer and looking around through tinted aviator sunglasses.

I decided I wouldn't be the first to speak. 

I started walking that way, and his gaze caught me halfway there. 

He raised up his hand to wave, and I smiled in response, my mood lightening instantly. 

"Hey, mate!" he exclaimed, surprising me by pulling me into a hug. It seemed a little longer than usual, but maybe I just wished it had. His hand lingered on the small of my back though, without a fucking doubt his hand sat there after the hug, maybe for just a few extra seconds, but my skin burned when he pulled away. 

"Sorry we missed your set. The lads and I just got here."

"See, " I told myself. "Stop freaking out."

"No problem, mate. Didn't miss much," I laughed. 

"Nah, you're always great," he said quietly.

There was a brief moment of silence that no one besides us would have even caught, but that seemed so deafening to me. 

"You'll still watch us, though, right mate?" Alex touched my shoulder as he said it. There was nothing out of the ordinary in the gesture, just a clap on the back like friends always do, but I felt so hyper aware of his hands. 

"Of course, Alex," I grinned, drinking my beer to hide a smile.

Alex smiled obviously though, and it was that cheeky knowing smile again, like he was laughing at his own inside joke. 

We walked around the festival together for a while, and Al never showed any awkwardness towards me, but I also noticed that we never brought up the subject of the fight. I tried to tell myself that that wasn't a bad thing, but it was hard to convince myself when I still felt like I needed some sort of weird closure. I was being disgustingly selfish. 

Alex walked close to me, almost as close as I usually walked to him, and I felt strangely annoyed. This was the definition of mixed signals. These were the types of stunts he always pulled that made me question if he was actually interested.

His hand brushed mine as we walked, and I let him without question, because I still wanted him more than anything no matter what he had said to me that night two weeks ago. 

\----------

At 6:00, Alex was scheduled to play, and just as I always did, I watched from sidestage. 

It was a warm night, but the sun was settling down. A slight comfortable breeze was blowing, just right for a show. Alex walked out on stage, strutted out more like it, and the crowd went crazy. I felt myself smile too, but tried to keep my head down. Alex was such a character up there on stage, dancing away and rambling on about nonsense in between songs. 

The breeze blew Alex's half-buttoned shirt open, as he stood in the middle of the stage, ready for his role as the center of attention.

And he upholded that role well, standing there with that air of confidence, bordering on arrogance, surrounding him like the fog rolling across the stage to the rhythm of "Do I Wanna Know?". His face was so beautiful when he closed his eyes and leaned into the mic, slightly moving his hips back and forth as he played the song so smoothly. He smiled right at me when the song ended, but it was so brief and his smile turned back on the crowd so quickly, that I knew no one had noticed but me.

I crossed my arms, and leaned against a railing as I watched the set go on. 

Alex seemed more vibrant tonight, more lively, like he was letting some barrier down that I couldn't quite detect. After a few tunes he put his guitar away and I knew what was about to happen.

"I'm gonna tell ya about a special someone, alright..." Alex muttered into the mic in that messy way of his. 

My breath caught in my throat, and I felt like everyone was watching me, seeing how I would react to Alex's antics during this song.

"Arabella's got some interstellar-gator skin boots..." 

He was fucking looking right at me, moving those ridiculous hips back and forth, his lips practically kissing the mic.

"And a helter-skelter 'round her little finger and I ride it endlessly..." 

Alex held out the word "ride" clutching to the microphone, and rolling his hips up, so slowly, as the word slipped from his tongue like fucking poison. 

"She's got a Barbarella silver swimsuit, and when she needs to shelter from reality she takes a dip in my daydreams..." 

Alex closed his eyes, flinging his arms out like he always does, the fucking drama queen.

The guitars kicked in, and Alex grabbed the mic again, clutching to it with his eyes wide open now, fierce, as he sang.

"....that little lady sitting on the passenger side..." he was looking at me again, smiling, teasing me. He knew exactly what he was doing to me.

Alex turned his head back to the audience, laughing because they all knew what was coming before the chorus. He glanced from side to side quickly, then pulled the mic from its stand.

"the horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes..."

He flung his hand holding the mic upwards, and let his other arm hang gracefully by his side as he did that shameful, disgusting drop to the stage floor, coming back up so slowly that I felt my insides melting and my hands shaking. Once back up he flung his sweaty hair from his eyes, pushing it back all too deliberately, almost begging me to look and crave him even more obsessively.

"Just might've tapped into your mind and soul...you can't be sure..." he swayed his hips from side to side, doing his stupid little dance, god I hated him.

He was so riled up now, and during the second verse he stood with his hand on his hip all pushed out, shooting glances at me and smiling all cocky, like I would fall for anything he said, and I was. I was falling face first for every word that came out of his arrogant little mouth.

"And her fuckin' lips are like the galaxy's edge!" he cried out, pointing one hand in either direction, trying to delude the fact that he was pointing right at me for that particular line. I felt my cheeks get hot, and I tried to look down at my feet, or to look at one of the other members, anything to keep me from standing out and looking so fucking gay for him. 

"And a kiss the color of a constellation falling into place...." 

He looked out at the crowd, making a kissing face, but keeping one eye on me. He was driving me crazy. I couldn't wait for this song to end, but I could wait for the fight we were likely going to have after this. My god, I loved his flirting too much, but I couldn't let it drag on without explanation. 

He dropped down to the floor again before the chorus, and this time he stayed, wailing into the mic and ripping his shirt almost all the way open, so overdramatic I thought I was watching a Morrissey performance. He did his messy little dance steps to get back up on his feet, and during the bridge he wouldn't stop running around the stage, his shirt practically falling off of his body. 

He ripped into his guitar solo like nothing else, his hair falling down into his face as his hands flew across the strings, inhuman in passion and performance, knocking his head back and forth. His head flew up to sing the end line, and his face looked so perfect. Sweat dripping from his forehead, and his eyes glazed over with excitement. I felt weak. Alex moved his hips in time so slowly I could hear the pounding of my heart in my throat. 

When the song ended, Alex smirked at the crowd, combing his hair back out of his face. My head was spinning out of control.

I thought the torture of Alex's flirting was over, but during that moment between songs, he caught my gaze and winked at me. It was so obvious, so blatantly obvious, that I knew everyone around me had seen it. I blushed bright red, not even thinking about winking back because I was so flustered and thrown off by the way he was acting tonight. 

For the rest of the set, Alex let me have a break from his little looks and smiles, that was until it was almost time for the encore and he came up behind me, putting his hands over my eyes.

"Guess who," he mumbled up against my ear, making my stomach flip and my whole body tense up.

"I know it's you, Alex," I said back trying to speak steadily.

"Good cause I have a surprise. Get my acoustic and come on stage with me," he said back, laughing as he pulled his hands off of my eyes, picking up a tambourine sitting on a guitar case close by.

He tapped it against his hand a couple times, his eyes exuberant and adventurous and young. 

I grabbed his guitar without hesitation, adrenaline rushing through my veins and flushing out any anger I had had towards him earlier.

"You ready, Miles?" Alex asked me, his smile crooked and charming in the best of ways.

"You bet, Al," I said back, smiling so hard my cheeks hurt, as we walked on stage together again for the first time in way too long....


	7. Chapter 7

The crowd was losing their fucking minds as the two of us walked on the stage. Alex laughed, smirking at me as he did. My heart was pounding so hard and I had never been more excited to perform this song. It had been so long since we had performed it together. I mean, maybe it hadn't been that long and my obsessive mind just dragged out the lengths of time between the moments Alex and I spent together. Whatever it was it was torture, and I needed release.

"How about Miles Kane, everybody..." Alex murmured into the mic, still killing me with that awful smirk.

He tapped the tambourine against his hand playfully as the crowd cheered for us. I felt myself blushing and sweating and smiling like a moron, but I knew I wouldn't mess up. I could never mess this song up no matter how intense the situation was. 

I started playing, keeping my eyes on Alex without even trying to hide it. He looked at me too, more than usual, more than ever. He made funny faces and exaggerated the words, while doing those little hip movements and tapping on his ridiculous tambourine. 

I danced a little too, mostly to amuse Alex, which it definitely did. He just tried to one-up me though, and it worked. He had never been this energetic during this song, and he had never looked so genuinely happy during this song. It was as if something had been holding him back until now. I felt in awe of how beautiful he was. 

During the solo part, Al danced over to me, and got up close to me by the mic. He was close, he was so fucking close, up against my ear and barely able to reach the mic. He was crowding my space for playing guitar, and I could feel sweat from his hair dripping onto me. My heart was beating so loudly against my chest I figured I needed to step away from the microphone or else the entire festival would hear it, blasting through the speakers and shattering the equipment. 

I started singing, and it was a miracle I even could. Alex joined in, making sure our faces were touching as he did, and my hands were shaking trying to play the chords. I wanted to close my eyes to focus, but I wanted to be as aware of Alex as I possibly could be, so I sang on, losing myself in his eyes as he stared at me and sang, pulling overdramatic faces and still dancing against me.

During the last line, Alex leaned back, resting his head on my shoulder, and sang along with me. I couldn't even think straight and I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about what any of this meant or how it was going to have to end in just a few seconds. I didn't want to think about how after this miraculous moment was over, Alex would go back to being uninterested. After this moment had lapsed, Alex would probably go in search for a model status girl in the crowd and they'd hit it off. After this moment was over, Alex would definitely not be searching for a too slim, tall, lanky and horribly awkward and obsessive bloke with a heart that had been beating with adoration for him for way too long. 

As the song closed, Alex pulled me in for a hug, and I sighed against his sweaty skin. This had been too emotional for me, and he just seemed to keep dragging it on. Why was he such a stubborn little flirt? Did he have absolutely no control? I was sick to my stomach with a thousand various feelings, each one more complicated than the next.

\-----------

At the end of the Arctic Monkeys encore, I started walking off the stage, too drained to even try to say goodbye to Alex. I lit a cigarette as I walked, and I stared up at the faint light of the stars against the oppressive black sky. They were slowly sinking further back into the color of the sky as the minutes ticked by. I blew smoke up, and it clouded the stars even more, making them blink and shudder softly against the glistening haze of chemicals floating up to destroy the stars like they were destroying my lungs. 

"Hey, Miles!" I heard his voice, and I didn't want to even bother. Alex was so fun for a while, and I rode on such a high when he was near me, but I crashed and burned out like the stars above my head once he left my side and I couldn't let the cycle control me any longer. I pretended I didn't hear him, but he was persistent. 

"Miles. Come inside, and have a drink with me, mate," Alex said, catching his breath as he ran up to me, touching my shoulder. 

I turned around to look at him, his charming smile on display as usual. His hair was messy and his face was frazzled, and he smelled disgusting, like cigarettes and alcohol and sweat mixed with musty cologne a few days old. I was swooning.

"What, no girl with you tonight?" I snapped, only halfway angry now. His scent was traveling through my nose and seeping into my brain, the high hitting me where it always did. 

Alex was taken aback by my tone for a moment, and he didn't say anything. 

"Nah, I wanna hang out with you...we haven't seen each other in a while...I just figured.." Alex was flustered, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at his feet as he mumbled his nonsense.

"Relax, Alex. I was kidding," I explained, chuckling now at him, my brain unable to function properly. 

"Oh...okay. Well, come on in, then," he responded, still staring at his feet as he opened the door to the bus clumsily. 

He followed me inside, and I stood confused and too unable to care at this moment, looking around the bus. I heard the door close behind me, and in the same moment, felt Alex's hands in my hair, tugging it in fistfuls, pushing my back up against the wall in a frantic impulse.

His lips felt sinful, absolutely gorgeously sinful.

Blood was pounding in my brain, and my knees were weak against his warm body. I stood in complete shock for so long, just watching him move his mouth against mine in a hurry. He was messy and nervous and erratic, and my legs shook every second that his strained knuckles pressed my head into the wall.

My body gave in, and I kissed him back, desperate like he was. Hungry and tired and unable to ignore the burning in our stomachs at the sight of each other anymore, we kissed. 

Every emotion I had ever felt for him came out in that kiss. I let go of anger, frustration, and sadness, my lips rough on him. I tangled my fingers in his hair, too, pulling his face as close to mine as possible, knowing that in this moment he was all mine. I poured out happiness and love, kissing him tenderly and softly to make the seconds pass slower.

His hands softened, letting go of their needy grip on my hair, and traveling down to cradle my cheeks. His lips became gentler and we let our pent up frustration melt into romance. I caressed his nose with mine, my lips slowing down as my mind floated back to reality. Alex was kissing me. 

I stopped. 

Alex looked confused, which was really ironic considering the situation.

"So I guess you're not mad at me anymore then, huh Alex? Care to explain?" My temper flared, and my negative emotions got ahold of me as usual as all the events of the night suddenly caught up with me.

I pushed past him, and sat on the couch. I sighed, rubbing my face and staring at the ground. I couldn't look at him, at that beautiful face I had just kissed. All I saw was the image of him from two weeks ago, his face stern as he had yelled at me before storming out of my house. You don't fancy me, huh Alex?

He said nothing, and walked to the cabinets. I heard him shuffling with bottles and ice, but I didn't bother to look until I felt his hand nudge mine to give me a drink. I took a small sip, but then realized how much I needed some alcohol as my mind tortured itself. I took a big sip.

Alex sat down next to me, still not speaking. We drank in silence for a few moments. I was too exhausted from trying to figure him out and still too focused on the taste of his lips that still sat behind my teeth.

As I was looking away I heard him shift next to me, and then his head was in my lap. He had his arm holding his drink stretched out in front of him, and his eyes were weary. I touched my hand to his hair cautiously. 

"I'm sorry," Alex mumbled, not looking at me. "I wish I could find a way to explain myself."

"Christ's sake, Al, just tell me how you feel about me," I said, sitting up more against the couch and looking down into my drink. I was so, so tired. 

"I just....couldn't come to terms with my feelings, I guess, and tonight I just didn't want to hide it anymore...and it got out of hand..." Alex rambled on, still staring at the space in front of him. 

I smirked, my heart softening in spite of myself. I shook my head at him, watching my hands stroking his hair.

"I-I wanted to kiss you, so bad, Miles. All night long I wanted to...."

I felt my throat tighten up, and Alex moved his head to look up at me.. His big brown eyes made my breath shallow. I couldn't stay mad at that, ever.

"I'm glad you did, then," I said back, laughing. Alex laughed too, and smiled at me warmly when the joke was over. He stared up at me again, like he was trying to figure out what I was thinking.

Alex sat up, and placed his drink behind him. He lunged at me, wrapping his arms around my neck, and leaning in to kiss me again. 

"Whoa, whoa, Al, let me put my drink down first," I mumbled, blushing terribly as I reached around him to sit my drink next to his. 

"Sorry..." Alex muttered, blushing a brighter red than me. 

'It's okay," I laughed, brushing his hair back on his head from where it was coming loose. My other hand sat at his lower back, and his arms still laid clumsily around my neck. He pushed his knee against the inside of my thigh as he slumped into me. I kissed him different now, more precise. I remembered every detail of his lips on mine and memorized the way his skin felt.

Alex started breathing harder, and his hands found my hair again. I kissed rougher to mask the fact that I was crumbling when he touched me. He smiled against my mouth when he felt my body tense up as he crawled into my lap, each of his legs on either side of mine. He cupped my face, tipping my head back as he moved up on my lap. I inhaled sharply through my nose, grabbing at his hips and breaking our kiss. I touched his jaw and neck with my lips softly, almost afraid I would shatter him as he sloppily grinded against me, doing anything to just touch me. I let my mouth linger at his neck for a moment, taking every single perfect part of him in. I kissed his neck just underneath his jaw, making his hips fall against mine harder and his hands tremble in my hair. 

I smiled, and listened to his heavy breathing through his nose, and attempts not to whimper when I sucked on his skin. I was doing everything in my power to let this ride out. I was doing everything I could to keep from throwing him down into the couch face first with his hands gripping the cushions until his knuckles turned white.

Alex shuddered against my chest as I bit his neck, and I heard a muffled moan from behind his teeth biting his bottom lip until it bled. 

Suddenly he stopped.

"I hear the guys," he mumbled, getting off of me so quickly I couldn't believe he had been on me at all. "Hey...and...don't tell them about this, okay?"

I sat still, too shocked to really speak because he had just been growing hard against my thigh and now suddenly he was sitting with his legs crossed and drink in hand, with the only evidence that we had been fooling around the faint pinkish skin on his neck from where my lips couldn't get enough. 

"O-okay.." I replied slowly, still trying to figure out what in the actual bloody hell had just happened between us tonight.


	8. Chapter 8

Days lapsed in between Alex's texts, and I found myself less motivated and more tired with each step I took. 

After that crucial turning point in Alex's tour bus with his hands all over me and his heart beating in my ear, I had been anxious for the continuation of what I thought to be our new relationship, but I still found myself confused and angry with Alex. I remember it almost in a haze now, the moments after he had left my lap. 

The guys had come in, and we had all chatted and drank and hung out for not much longer than an hour, but during the entire affair Alex wouldn't so much as glance my way. I couldn't enjoy anything, and I felt removed from the scene. 

I had been relieved when the band excused themselves to bed and I was able to go back to my own bus. Too tired and bewildered from the events of the night, all I wanted was some sleep, but I was not more than 10 feet from the door when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was Alex. 

"Hey :)"

I literally stopped in my tracks, looking all around me as if I felt prying eyes, watching to see how I would react to this ridiculousness. 

"Oh, so now you acknowledge me.." 

I felt bitter, and probably still frustrated sexually from Alex's antics earlier. 

"I'm sorry, really, but look I can't just let the guys know...you know what I mean"

I laughed coldly out loud at him. I continued walking, shaking my head in contempt, almost not texting him back. Fucking almost. 

"No I really don't,"

I didn't receive a message back until I was almost to my destination, and I admittedly felt a pang of disappointment at the prospect of his falling asleep or even becoming pissed at me for my biting answers back to him. 

"Look I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you miles...I'll come over there right now. It will just be you and me."

My chest tightened at the idea. I was a pool of emotions in that moment, but wasn't this all I had ever wanted? My stubborn self decided to lead him on and my reply was short. 

"Fine." I typed, opening the door to the bus a little too enthusiastically. 

I poured drinks for the both of us out of habit, and waited on the sofa. It was only a few minutes before I heard a knock on the door, and I called to him to come in.

Alex looked so shy, standing in the doorway, his back against the closed door and his hands behind him. He looked around the bus nervously as I watched him, my legs spread apart and my drink swaying between my fingertips. I patted the spot next to me, and he sat down timidly, still too afraid to look me in the eyes. He was too vulnerable, with the realization of what he had done earlier in the evening swirling back into his mind and clouding his thoughts. 

I handed him his drink, and he all but tore it away from my hands and downed it. 

"Jesus, Al..."

"I'm nervous, Miles, fuck off."

I stopped, and looked at him next to me. He was hunched over, his elbows on his knees and tapping his foot as he sipped his drink.

"Why are you nervous?" I asked softy, twisting a piece of his hair around my finger. 

He didn't say anything for a few moments, just stared ahead as I continued to play with his hair. 

Time without his explanation seemed to drag on for hours before too quickly, he turned his head and pressed his lips against mine for the third time that night. His spontaneous decisions were enough to drive me mad.

We didn't do much talking after that, which I was surprisingly fine with. Maybe I was pretending to be happy just to have Alex in my arms, or maybe I was too tired and removed to even realize what I was getting myself into. 

Alex's big brown eyes were glistening when he pulled away from the kiss. He looked more curious than anything, and I felt my hand wrap itself around his tiny waist, pulling him into my side. His head lay on my chest and I let him sort out his thoughts. He stayed still for a while, but slowly turned up to look at me. He smiled bashfully before kissing me again, this time sweeter and more controlled. I picked his hand up and interlocked our fingers as I closed my eyes to the sensation. 

I wasn't even in the mood to complain anymore when I felt Alex's body against me. I didn't need any explanations from him as long as he kept kissing me like that. 

He moved to sit up on my lap, kissing my cheek and burying his face into my shoulder. I still kept my hand at his waist, concentrating on the shape of his body as well as I could. He wrapped his arms around my neck, and I wondered if maybe we was going to cry. I stroked his hair, tracing his jawline with kisses as his eyelids fluttered

"Do you want to go to sleep?" I asked him, so scared of breaking our peaceful silence. 

Alex whispered a low "yes" in my ear before letting his head droop back down on my shoulder. I smiled, picking him up and carrying him to sit at the table opposite the sofa. He laid his head on his hand, watching me silently as I pulled the sofa out into a bed and retrieved blankets from the cabinet towards the back of the bus. 

I made the bed and picked Alex back up, his arms dangling from around my neck as I laid him down amongst the pillows and blankets. His outstretched figure looked so graceful and soft and the longing in my chest was enough to make me sick. 

I climbed in next to him and immediately Alex nuzzled against my chest, looking up at me for one brief moment with a smile dancing in his beautiful eyes. I wrapped my arms around him and thought about us from two weeks ago, in this exact position but in my big warm bed at my flat. I sighed contently, kissing Alex's hair.

I didn't even care what was happening or what was going to happen because the only thing I cared about was Alex's breathing steadying as he slowly fell asleep with my arms around him.

\------

So that had been that. And I expected a call from him the next day as we both went our separate ways. I had gotten one, but he spoke of nothing that had happened between us, only asking me trivial questions about the quality of my day and the things I had been up to. 

His texts were only slightly more insightful, with his frequent one word answers. Nights when he was drunk were when I would get different messages.

"Oh my god,,,miles I miss you..."

"im very lonelyy and i cant stop thinking about you rlly miles i cannnntt" 

He couldn't text very well anyway but when he was drunk his fingers hit the screen for too long on some letters and it always made me smile until the bitter realization that he probably didn't remember sending these messages hit me. I always replied back, though. 

"I miss you too, al. we'll see each other soon."

"You're so sweet alex i miss you i wish i could hold you."

He never responded to those. 

I was starting to feel like I had turned round full circle with Alex and that I was back to the beginning, doomed to follow him at his heels until he finally paid me a scrap of attention.


	9. Chapter 9

The weekend rolled around with texts from Alex coming at the speed of one every hour. I was irritable and tired at 4 in the afternoon sitting on the sofa, watching TV but not really paying attention. I checked my phone obsessively, but the screen was always blank. I was becoming fed up with Alex as the days passed, and I considered going out to try and meet a girl, or another guy, or any type of person really, just to help me move past him. 

I felt my eyes drifting off, staring out of the window behind the TV until my vision was blurry. I thought about holding Alex and how soft he was against me, his fingers curling around mine like a child. I thought about how kissing him felt more magnificent than I had ever imagined and how eager he had been only a few nights ago, his quiet smile peeking up from behind his usual facade. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, and I slumped down further into the couch cushions that were slowly suffocating me. I was pathetic, I knew that, but once I had gotten just that one chance, after years of holding myself back, it was like everything I had ever bottled up came gushing out too quickly for me to mop up.

As I disappeared in my daze, I heard the distant sound of my phone ringing beside me. I felt sluggish as I picked it up, like the phone weighed too much for me to handle. I swear I almost dropped it. My eyes were still blurry, and I didn't check the contact name, just answered the call.

"Hello," I mumbled, rubbing my face. 

"Hey...Mi...." I heard his voice and I felt my heart speed up rapidly. 

"Hi, Alex," I said, more alert this time. I couldn't believe what was happening.

"You already said hello...." he remarked quietly, laughing affectionately at me. I could almost see the smile on his face. 

"Right. Sorry. What do ya need?" I asked, trying to remain composed.

"I don't need anything. I wanted to see if you would fancy havin' a drink with me and the boys a bit later tonight. I just haven't seen ya in a while." 

Alex's voice was crackly over the line as he spoke slow, leaving silent pauses in between words that somehow soothed me. I almost gave into that soft way he spoke, leaving me breathless, but I wasn't about to fall for any of this again.

"What do ya mean, you haven't seen me? You haven't made any effort to see me! You barely text me, and this is the first time you called since Tuesday!" I blew up without meaning to. 

Alex was quiet for a moment. I felt sick immediately after I had said it. The tension was clinging to the line like heavy syrup.

"Miles...I've been busy..." Alex stated, his voice drifting. 

I laughed bitterly. "What a fucking load that is, Alex," I mumbled. Too exhausted by him to even care anymore. 

"Look, Miles, I'm really sorry, honestly. I'll make it up to you, just please come tonight."

"Where have I heard that one before.." I muttered, trying to stand firm in my anger, but still slowly losing it to the sound of his apologies. A pause ensued before Alex spoke again, his tone lighter.

"Fine. Don't come. I was gonna buy your bloody drinks you complete fucking wanker." he grumbled, only sounding slightly furious.

I smiled in spite of myself. "Well. That's just an offer I can't refuse." I said, making Alex laugh on the other end.

"I'll come. As long as you don't fucking ignore me," I told him, almost sternly, trying to keep myself together as I thought about the prospect of seeing Alex again. 

"I won't!" Al promised, his voice raising up to a bit of a whine at the end. 

"Alright, I'll see you in about an hour, then?" I asked, smiling so much my cheeks hurt.

"Yes. I can't wait," Alex responded, and my heart continued to beat faster and faster. 

\-------------

I walked into the dingy pub of Alex's choice at about 5:15. It was a bit early for drinks, but I guess Alex planned on staying all night. I felt my heart rate increasing as I walked through the room, my eyes scanning for a glimpse of Al or one of the guys. I felt self-conscious, like everyone there knew who I was looking for and how I felt about him. I stood on the wall, and checked my phone to look like I was busy when I actually just looked like a complete knob. 

"Hey, mate," I suddenly heard a voice say. 

I looked up, right at Alex, with two beers in his hands and a nervous smile on his face. This did nothing to help my rapidly rising heart rate. 

I took one of the beers and smiled sheepishly, looking at the ground in spite of myself. My nerves were heightenend in broad daylight in the midst of the first physical interaction I had had with Alex in public since he'd kissed me like he meant it. 

"How are you?" Alex asked awkwardly, tapping his foot and looking around him in the middle of his sentence like people were watching.

I walked in closer to him. "Look, Al, cut this out seriously. Give me a fucking hug, that's the least you could do. We look like utter morons just standing here, like."

Alex laughed timidly, looking down at his feet as he spoke. "Not here, Miles, just relax, okay?" 

My blood boiled. "Fine. Alex, if this is the way it's gonna go I'm fucking leaving." I tried to push past him, but panic surfaced in his eyes and he grabbed my shoulders, pulling me back. 

"Please don't go. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just nervous and I'm not used to this is all." 

I sighed. His face was full of concern and I couldn't resist those big brown eyes, pleading with me. 

"Okay," I said, looking him straight in the face.

"Good," Alex smiled. And he really smiled, his nose scrunching up and his teeth showing. I smiled in turn, getting a little lost in him. He looked so good, casual, for once in a black t-shirt and jeans. Tight jeans; which is important to note. These were very tight jeans. 

"You look good tonight," I remarked, low in his ear, as we walked side by side. 

"Thanks," Alex answered clumsily, smirking at the floor.

"You never wear jeans anymore. I like it," I continued, feeling brave. 

Alex almost choked on his beer, but didn't get enough time to retort because soon Matt was calling over to us excitedly as we came into his view. 

"I was starting to wonder where Al had gone off to!" Matt exclaimed as we all congregated. Alex smiled, almost blushing, but the guys didn't seem to notice or care. Al glanced over at me, but for only a second, before maintaining his infamous poker face that always kept me in the dark concerning his feelings. 

I wanted so bad to hold him right now. I just wanted to do those cliche couple things that you always see in public. I wanted to casually wrap my arm around his waist, and kiss his cheek in the middle of conversation. I wanted to hold his hand as he leaned on my shoulder, listening to the everyday chatter in the pub. 

I wanted him to not sit in the chair furthest from me and avoid my gaze for the majority of the evening. 

As I should have predicted, the night dragged on horrendously, and I was close to leaving at around 7:00. Alex had been getting progressively more drunk and loud as the hours ticked by, but he wasn't making any efforts to become progressively more aware of me. 

I excused myself to leave and walked towards the exit. My spirits were lower than ever and I tried to tell myself that I wasn't going to speak to Alex for a while, or possibly ever again. When I was almost to the door, someone intercepted me, almost knocking me down. 

"Miles. Don't leave," Alex begged, touching my wrists. His eyes were bright and electric with liqour and I was feeling sick. 

"Alex, fuck off, honestly. You haven't paid attention to me all night, and now you're wanting me to stay? For what? So I can just stare at you waiting for you to talk to me?" I was enraged beyond belief but my heart was shattering. I continued quieter, looking at my feet. "Why do you do this to me?" 

Al's eyes softened, and he looked at me for a moment before he leaned in and hugged me. It felt so good. It felt real and I closed my eyes. 

"Let's go back to your place, Miles. You know I hate being in public," Alex whispered. The thought of being alone with him again was too much to handle, but I could hear the slurs in his speech.

"You're drunk," I protested, pulling away from him.

"Exactly. I can't drive meself home," Alex retorted, his eyes sparkling mischievously.

My heart was pounding. I wanted to give in so bad, looking at him there in his tight jeans with his shining eyes and adventurous expression. 

"Okay," I agreed almost reluctantly. 

Alex grinned, and ran back to the table to grab his jacket and tell the guys where he was going. I was a wreck as I waited for him. At least I knew he would be safe tonight.

\---------

In the car on the way home, Alex's hand rested contently on my thigh, but slowly drifted upward as time passed. I felt like I was going to vomit. 

Alex rushed inside as soon as we arrived, and headed for the fridge. I locked the door behind him, and stood back, watching him mill about. He got two wine glasses from the cabinet and took out a bottle from the fridge.

"Haven't you had enough to drink tonight?" I asked, only slightly joking.

"What's 'enough'?" Alex chuckled, taking my statement too lightly. I laughed along hesitantly, but decided now wasn't the time to argue. He was in a good mood. 

I walked over to the bar and sat down. Alex handed me a glass and took his, leaning on the counter across from me and taking a sip. We didn't say anything for a moment, just drank. Alex soon came around the other side of the bar, so I pulled a chair out for him. He stopped before sitting down, seeming to be pondering something. He bit his bottom lip, slowly letting up on it as he looked down at the chair. In a quicker amount of time than I could think, Alex was suddenly climbing on my lap. 

He sat down softly, leaning his head on my shoulder, and rubbing my head with his free hand.

"I love your new haircut, by the way," he said, an embarrassed laugh bubbling up from him before taking another drink. 

I laughed in spite of myself and his drunken state. "Thank you, dear," I said, only slightly mocking.

"Dear! I'm not an old man, you know," Alex exclaimed playfully, jerking his head up from my shoulder and looking at me with an expression of disbelief.

"You dress like one that's for sure," I continued, looking away from him and laughing.

"Oi! " Alex protested.

"I'm kidding, but I really do like you in jeans and a t-shirt more, I have to admit that." I took a drink of wine to mask the smile on my face. 

"You're so mean," Alex mumbled, laying his head back down on my shoulder. 

I smiled, leaning over to kiss his forehead. Somehow the tension of the evening had subdued and I felt like I was blissfully floating through time. I finished my glass of wine, and set it down in front of me. I wrapped my arms around Alex, holding him as close to me as I could. Alex squirmed, and broke away to refill his glass.

I sighed, and stopped his hand. "You're already buzzing, Al, why do you need more?"

"Piss off, Miles, it's just one drink..." Alex sounded annoyed and defensive.

I bit my lip, and leaned back in the chair, letting him refill his glass. 

"Now you're the one being the old wanker," he commented. I slapped his arm playfully. 

"Shut up!" I exclaimed, leaning up to wrap my arms around his chest. I kissed his neck, and played with his hair. I couldn't believe he was letting me do this. 

Alex finished his wine in a shocking amount of time, and after setting down his glass, he played with my fingers that were rubbing his chest. 

Suddenly, on complete impulse, I picked Alex up, cradling him against my chest, and carried him to the couch. He laughed all the way there, possibly just something to calm his nerves. I laid him down and he made a spot for me.

I, in turn, picked him back up with his legs kicking and flailing, and laid on the couch in his place. I pulled his body against mine and kissed his neck over and over again.

"You're the little spoon, Alex, clearly," I joked.

"What do you mean 'clearly'?" he retorted, although showing no resistance. 

"Shhh.." I mumbled, sucking his skin and inadvertently pulling up on the hem of his shirt. I expected him to stop me, but he instead, grabbed my hands and helped me pull the shirt off of him. He still stayed with his back to me though.

I tried to move him to face me, but he wouldn't budge.

"Don't.." he muttered, pulling away from my touch.

"What's wrong?" I asked immediately, so scared that I had fucked up and taken things too far. 

"Just. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. Why am I doing this..." he rambled on, and got up from the sofa, grabbing his shirt and putting it back on. 

"Alex..." I started, getting up and following him into the kitchen as he walked quickly. 

I saw him pouring himself more wine and I was hit with that uneasy feeling again. I considered stopping him, but I decided not to because I needed to try something, something very cruel. I was going to let Alex drink because the only time he had granted me affection tonight was when he had been drinking, and even though it broke my heart to think of why, I still wanted to see if it would continue. Not for my own enjoyment, but just to try and understand his behavior more. I felt sick as I watched.

Too soon it didn't matter though, because Alex was sneaking up behind me and kissing my neck, back again as affectionate as before. I didn't want to let him, but I did. I let him push me up against the wall and kiss me like he had never kissed anyone. I let him grab frantically at the buttons on my shirt in order to throw it open and rip it off of me. I was hardly even aware of what I was doing, but there I was. I grabbed Alex's hair and pulled him in closer to me, savoring every detail of the moment. I felt his hips digging into mine and his breathing become heavier.

"Take me to the bedroom, Miles, please..." he begged. 

I drew in air sharply through my nose at the thought of that simmering in my brain. I closed my eyes just to imagine more of what I couldn't have.

"Not tonight," I muttered, "not tonight."

Alex only persisted, kissing me sloppily and rubbing his hand against my jeans.

"Why not?" he asked, looking at me again with that mischievous eye.

"Because you're fucking drunk!" I said, trying to relay my bitterness but crippling under him.

"I want you so bad," he confessed, low in my ear, his breath hot and his hands roaming. 

"I can't...not tonight.." I responded, tears forming in my eyes. I stopped kissing him back, and pushed his hands away from me. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, turning away from him.

"What's wrong?" Alex asked, and I heard genuine concern.

I considered telling him. I considered shouting at him that he only wanted me when he was drinking, and as much as I hated him for it I hated myself more because I couldn't get over him no matter how hard I tried or how good I knew it would be for me if I did. I considered telling him that he is the only person I had ever really loved with every aspect of the word and feeling, but he would never cherish that. I considered telling him, but I knew he wouldn't remember in the morning.

"Nothing. It's late, I'm going to bed." I turned my head away from him and walked to my room. I heard him follow me to the doorframe, but I didn't acknowledge it. 

"Do you not want me sleeping with you?" He asked softly. Good, he knew I was upset with him.

"Whatever you want to do," I said coldly, changing into my pajamas and crawling into bed. "If you decide not to, turn off the light on your way out."

The light shut off and I felt dizzy.

Everything was still for a moment, and the worst part was I was secretly ecstatic when I heard him shuffling over and unzipping his jeans. I felt relief when I should have felt disgust as he pulled me up against his chest. I breathed steadily, trying so hard not to cry.

"Guess who's the little spoon now?"


	10. Chapter 10

Waking up in the morning with Alex's arms around me made my heart jump in the palm of his hand on my chest. I felt like I had been crying in my sleep, and my shirt was rumpled from where Alex had been clutching hard before he drifted off. I didn't want to turn around and look at him, but I couldn't help myself and he was beautiful. His hair fell ruffled in a messy state, flowing in front of his sleepy eyes. His lips were parted, but only slightly, as his steady breaths took ahold of all my senses slowly. His t-shirt had shifted in the night, and part of his stomach was visible, toned but still soft in a way I couldn't comprehend. I couldn't comprehend any of it. The lump in my throat increased in size.

I'm not sure what happened but somehow I found myself gently picking up his arms and curling up inside them, laying my head on his steady chest as I begged him not to wake up just in case he decided to leave. I pressed my nose into his shirt, letting the memories of his smell stick to my brain before he was gone again. 

\-----------------

I guess I had fallen back asleep to the sound of his heart because silence awakened me an hour later. Despite having already known he was going to leave, I started sobbing into the mattress unapologetically loud. I was face down, my hands clutching the white sheets stained with his smell and warmth, letting my heart bleed create more of a mess. 

Sounds echoed on the wooden hallway floor and one was distorted to sound like him.

"Miles?" 

I swear I felt his soft hands in the grooves of my back, sitting me up and making my heart sting.

"Miles!"

I opened my eyes and he was staring right into them.

I blinked, tears dripping down my cheeks into his hands as they clutched me. I didn't say anything, just wrapped my arms around his neck and sat in silence.

Alex chuckled into my skin and rubbed my back. 

"Miss me?" 

"Fuck off I thought you left," I choked out into him. 

"Yeah, just to make you breakfast. Come in the kitchen, you drama queen," Alex laughed, holding my hand as we walked. 

That slight tenderness sent me spiraling into even more bewilderment balanced on euphoria. The kitchen smelled glorious though and Alex had the biggest smile on his face. I would crash and burn to death later. 

I sat down in front of a plate of waffles, eggs, and sausage and Alex handed me a hot cup of coffee, kissing my cheek as he sat down next to me.

"Am I dreaming..." I wondered aloud, looking at this new Alex who was completely sober yet so open and inviting. 

Alex laughed, leaning his head on my shoulder. I felt stiff under him, so I tried to just eat my breakfast quietly and let my thoughts swim.

Alex apparently didn't want that though because in the middle of my waffles he got up and walked to the record player in the living room. I heard The Velvet Underground start to play softly and I laughed to myself in an almost bitter tone. Alex came back into the kitchen almost floating towards me. He hummed along and wrapped his arms around me in my chair. 

"Dance with me, will you Mi?" His voice was a rough whisper in my ear that was impossible to ignore. I obeyed to the hypnotic sound of "Candy Says" in the background. 

Alex laid in the crook of my neck, holding me around my waist as we circled and swayed. His singing was warm on my chest, gentle murmurs as his eyes drooped and my masochism continued to drown me like his drifting hands.

"You know I'm a mess, right Miles?" he suddenly said, making the world slow down to almost a halt. 

"Why do you say that?" I whispered back distantly, looking over his head in a daze.

He seemed to ignore my question replying back in an even softer tone. "You deserve someone else." 

"I don't want anyone else," I admitted to myself and him in one breath.

Alex sighed, picking his head up from my chest. His expression was unreadable as he turned and sat down in my previous spot. He lit a cigarette and looked away from me. I took the pack from under his arm and lit one for myself too as I sat down next to him. Alex turned his head at my movement, laying it down on the counter and searching my eyes as I did the same to him.

I reached over after a few drags, and kissed his perfect lips as gently as I could. I just wanted a taste before he decided he was over me again, but the innocent move turned to more when Alex kissed back desperately. He was controlled but I could taste the longing and soon both of our cigarettes were smashed in the ashtray and our hands on each other's cheeks. 

Alex moved fast, pushing my back up against the counter and digging his nails into my bare skin under my shirt. "What Goes On" narrated the story he wrote on my body as we stood in lust and agony and pure loneliness, tangling ourselves in an even more complicated web. 

He moved to throw my shirt off and my breathing became ragged in his ear. Alex said nothing, only touched and grabbed at me like it was his prerogative. He kissed my neck and moved down my body, leaving traces all along my chest. Then there was his hand on me and I felt like I might choke. I hadn't even noticed his body slowly making its descent down my chest, but too quickly for me to think about he was tugging at my pants and then they were at my ankles.

I didn't even know my fingers were white from gripping the counter top until his mouth was where his hand had been and my knees were shaking where I stood. 

"Alex..." 

 

"Some kinds of love

Marguerita told Tom

like a dirty French novel

combines the absurd with the vulgar

and some kinds of love

the possibilities are endless

and for me to miss one

would seem to be groundless...."


	11. Chapter 11

The rest of the day was a blur of emotion and beauty, of Alex, this new Alex, and absolutely nothing else.

He was needy and sweet and...mischievous. It was uneasy for me when he would snuggle in close to my neck and let his lips graze my skin, his hand wandering down my chest with that tempting air about him. As far as I wanted to fall into this abyss, I couldn't help but approach him carefully when he whined for a kiss. I was teetering on the edge so deliberately that I was surprised at myself for being so successful. Maybe everything was too overwhelming and there was no other choice but to sit back and watch Alex transform into this perfect image of what I had always dreamed of.

"Mi.." his soft voice breathed out on my arm as we enjoyed each other and telly on the sofa.

"Hmmm?" I asked, my arms subconsciously tensing up at the prospect of any type of new development.

"Fetch me a glass of wine, will you?"

I stopped. It was 8:30 in the evening, not a particularly unreasonable time for drinks, but I had been thinking a lot about how Alex acted under the influence. I had been thinking about it a bit too much.

"Bit early," I remarked non-chalantly, my fingers curling up in a fist he couldn't see on the arm of the sofa.

"Fine," he huffed, "cigarette, then?"

He grinned up at me from my lap where his head was laying. I opened his pack sitting on the coffee table and pulled one out. I hesitated, looking at him, eyes averted to the set, hands cradled on his chest softly and delicately.

I leaned over and slipped the cigarette in between his parted lips. He turned his face back up to me. His eyes were wide and endearing and my heart was melting into my stomach.

I lit the cigarette and he puffed smoke out, curling up to reach me. I watched the way his mouth moved and the whole room was so quiet.

I was so close to falling over that cliff.

Alex sat up and crawled into my lap, his face sitting in the space between my neck and shoulders and his arms relaxed around me. I kissed his hair and stroked it while he remained silent. I felt his elbow clench around my neck as he took another smoke. I wished he hadn't loosened that grip.

"I don't wanna tell anyone yet," he was quiet, but I couldn't hear anything else anyway.

"Tell them what?" I suspected, but I was afraid to get too caught up in my hopes.

"About this.." he muttered before another clench of the elbow and clench of my heart.

I waited for a moment before speaking again and listened to his heartbeat mimicking mine on the bones of my chest. Here was the moment of truth, the final decision, the turning point and ,soon to be anniversary, if I played my cards right.

"So you're for real this time then?" this was my eloquence.

I felt his chuckle move through my chest and wrap itself around my heart. "Yes, I'm 'for real'."

At the end of his sentence and my sigh of relief, he pulled away from my neck and leaned over the coffee table to put out the small end of his cigarette that was left. I kept my arm around his waist as he leaned back into me, the smell of smoke permeating his hair and clothes and sending shivers down my skin. I was loose and free now, my hands roaming like his were this morning as I settled into a new realization.

My fingers gripped the bottom of his t-shirt and we repeated a scene.

Alex's hands clutched mine, pulling the fabric from his skin and letting it fall to my side in a soft grace. I touched his shoulders so softly, so carefully, and he sighed deeper into my embrace. His skin was so warm. I instantly felt drowsy and drunk and incapable.

"It's chilly, Mi.." he mumbled.

I laughed, planting a small kiss on his neck before crawling around him into my room to fetch a blanket.

Once alone my heart was rushing. The thought of Alex, tired and beautiful in my living room without a shirt on, was making my mind whirl. Remembering everything that had led up to this was a frantic impulse of my brain. I grabbed the blanket from my bed quickly and dangerously high off of him, I went back.

"Here you are, love," I said softly, not meaning to let the last part come out. Alex blushed the softest pink on the bones of his cheeks and I pushed past it, kissing him where he was embarrassed. He turned and picked up the kiss with his lips and I was lost. Something was different. The way his mouth moved, the way he tasted, the way he smelled. Something was so much more magnificent when he kissed me again. As it happened, his arms curled around the blanket, curled around me and we were soon falling into each other in the warm fabric. I smiled against him and wrapped my arms around his waist liked I loved to do.

He buried his head in my chest when he pulled away.

"You're so warm," he almost whispered into me, clutching my shirt. "I almost don't need the blanket."

Then the clutching of my shirt turned to tugging and his lips were pressed to the skin of my chest. He didn't say anything but I knew he could hear my heart pound as he pushed his weight into me, making us fall over on the couch, him laying on top of me.

"Turn off the TV please..."

I obeyed so quickly. His face lay on my bare chest, facing away from me and I could feel his voice all over me.

"Are you tired?" I asked, cautious of the answer.

"Not really," he said with an almost undetectable edge to his voice.

His head turned and he wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling his face up closer to mine and brushing up against me in the worst way possible. I detoured before I could let my body get the best of me.

"I am," I confessed. I saw disappointment linger on his face for a flicker of a second.

"But I guess you aren't going home tonight, huh?" I remarked to make him smile.

"Not a chance. You've got me and now I'm sticking around," he mumbled into me, looking up at me from his position on my chest. I looked at him and his intriguing eyes, tugging at my heart and pulling me down face first into that abyss.


	12. Chapter 12

The next weekend I decided to visit Alex in his own apartment for the first time since we had made whatever it was we had "official." I drove over at around 5:30, and planned to stay the night, something Alex didn't know yet.

I knocked on the door to be polite at first, but after too long of a silence, I opened the door with the key Alex had given me a few days ago. It felt creepy and too invasive, but he gave it to me for a reason.

"Al?" I called through the apartment. It felt very absent, and I wondered if he might be asleep. I wandered around the flat until I found him in the living room. He was asleep, but not in the way I had assumed.

His head was slumped against a small armchair pillow on the ground and I noticed a beer bottle not too far from him. That's when I turned my head to notice the kitchen counter absolutely littered with bottles and empty glasses. My throat closed up and my hands felt damp. I rushed to Alex on the pillow and shook him frantically to dull the ringing in my ears.

"Alex! Alex, wake up! Fuck, goddamnit!" I shook his body until my hands hurt, but he remained limp.

"Alex please, you're scaring me to death. Wake up!" I grabbed his cheeks and shook his face, falling into him helplessly and sobbing into my shaky hands. I scrambled for my phone in my back pocket, and with my arms around Alex's head in my lap, I struggled to dial 999. As I was about to hit 'call' I felt stirring in my lap. I gasped, and looked down to see Alex's eyes opening slowly and his hands fumbling.

I dropped my phone and grabbed his head, pulling him up to look me in the eyes. I felt my heart beat slowing to normal again, and waves of relief wash through me.

"Wha-" Alex muttered, still out of it.

I pulled him into a hug, stroking the back of his head and gently still crying.

"Becoming a bit obsessive?" Alex joked after a minute, of course he fucking did.

"Alex, what the hell!" I choked out, pulling away from his body, half angry and half laughing.

"What do ya mean?" he spoke in his calm voice, leaning back on the floor in front of me where I was still sitting on my knees.

"I came in and you were out cold on the floor! I was worried sick, ready to call 999 when you finally woke up!"

Alex turned to look at my phone where it had skidded across the floor.

"Damn..." he muttered more to himself than me. He looked back up at me and furrowed his brow.

"Wait..how'd you get in?"

"You gave me a key, you stupid bloke," I explained, still agitated with him ignoring my questions. "That's besides the point, mate. Why were you passed out, what the hell happened?"

I leaned down, sitting cross legged now like he was.

"Dunno....passed out drinking I guess...don't really remember.." he carried on, fiddling with the ring on his finger.

I sighed in defeat. He wasn't in one of his talkative moods, obviously. I found that to be a popular theme in Alex's personality; his changes in moods that seemed so drastic and left me with too many questions.

"You were....drinking by yourself?" I asked timidly, trying not to upset him with my prying concerns.

"Yeah, mate," Alex said so effortlessly, stretched back on his hands with his hair falling in his eyes and his face flushed. That stupid asshole. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his hands come up to touch my back. I breathed out shaky, scared breaths and smelled his hair that smelt like home.

"I was really worried, " I reiterated. Alex didn't say anything so I just kissed his head and got up to fetch him some Panadol for the headache I'm sure was killing him. He followed me into the kitchen where I handed him two and a glass of water.

"Take them," I instructed.

"Alright, mum," he teased.

"I hate you," I said, smiling too much.

He grinned and kissed my cheek sweetly before taking his pills.

I turned around to start the coffeemaker, and felt Alex's arms snake around my waist and his chin on my shoulder.

"I'm glad you came over," he mumbled, his warm body lightening my mood despite whether or not I wanted him to or not.

"And I'm glad you didn't die," I retorted, turning around to face him after starting the coffee. He was pouting at me and I just shook my head. I tried to walk away but Alex blocked me with his arms, pushing me up against the counter and laying his hands there.

"What's your hurry?" Alex asked, smirking and coming in close to my face. He closed his eyes and I debated stopping him, but it was so impossible when I saw his innocent face and remembered the way he kissed. I leaned into him and let my hands wander into his hair. I sighed, finally feeling relaxed after the episode earlier. I got so carried away in him, that I almost forgot about the coffee. It beeped and made the both of us jump. I smiled at him when he pulled away, feeling too affectionate for my own good.

I poured Alex his coffee and one for myself.

"Now, go get in bed and rest. I'll fix supper for us while you do."

"C'mon, Miles, I'm not a child," Alex grumbled.

"Alex, please, you really scared me earlier. I'm just trying to take better care of you," I pleaded.

"You're acting like it's your fault or something.." he said quietly, looking into his coffee mug.

I didn't speak for a moment, just watched Alex search his drink. He looked upset, but I couldn't place it.

"No....I just want you to recover properly from it is all..." I struggled for words, trying to look into his eyes. "Please just get in bed. I'll join you soon, don't worry."

Alex smiled at the last part of my sentence, but still avoided my eyes. I tucked a piece of loose hair behind his ear and he blushed so softly it was almost unnoticable. He lifted his chin and I kissed him very gently, enough to make him smile against me and pull away with our foreheads still touching.

"Alright, 'long as you really do join me soon, babe," Alex smirked, switching gears back to his playful self once again. I was stuck on him calling me 'babe' and I couldn't find anything to choke back out to him. He left the kitchen with the last word, winking at me as he sauntered off. His charm never failing to reel me all the way in.


	13. Chapter 13

I turned to the fridge to rummage around for something to cook. Alex rarely ate in, but thankfully there was a bag of pasta that I could quickly fix up. I gathered sauce and pots and pans, humming to myself as I began. My mind wandered to Alex's episode, as much as I didn't want it to. Al was a private guy, but this scare had led me some insight into his carefully confined world. My suspicions about his alcohol habits had been slowly creeping up behind me for weeks, but I didn't want to admit the severity of it all to myself until I had to. I had been so afraid; walking in on him like that. My brain now forced me to consider what I would have done had he been dead. My palms shook at the mere thought. I left the meal simmering, and poked my head around the corner into Alex's room. 

"Everything okay?" I inquired, looking over at him curled underneath his fluffy comforter and propped against an array of pillows. 

 

"Just well, Miles," he chuckled at my worrisome tendencies. I smiled sheepishly and went back to finish my cooking.

 

I couldn't help feeling on edge now. I knew Al was safe in his bed and that I was more than capable of taking care of him, but my senses were still heightened. Alex was such a dichotomy; flickering between his two spectrum ends. He always put on a show; a persona. He tried to let the world know that he was confident and strong. He tried to come off like he knew what he was doing at all times and that each move was deliberate. He wanted to be something magnificent. Not that Al wasn't magnificent to me. His private side though was an insecure, shy, confused, romantic who tried to figure the world out to no avail. My heart stung at our circumstances and his tendencies. I poked my head around the corner again.

 

"Yes, Miles, I'm still alive," he joked. I smiled genuinely. 

 

"Just making sure," I retorted.

 

"When's the food ready. I'm starved," his voice let out a hint of a whine.

 

"Soon, dear," I grinned. He tossed a pillow at me from across the room. I dodged it swiftly and threw it right back, hitting Al right on the side of his head.

 

"Wanker!" he exclaimed, half-heartedly throwing the pillow to the floor in front of me and pouting, falling to his side on the bed almost in an air of defeat. 

My breath caught seeing him there, looking over at me adoringly. He looked so tired, just exhausted in every aspect of the word. I smiled fondly before walking out to finish dinner.

I took two pasta dishes out from the cabinet above me and grabbed a spoon. I scooped up lots of pasta for Alex and less for me. I felt like a mother trying desperately to care for her son; too overprotective and too anxious. I carried the bowls out.

 

When I walked back into the room Alex was laying in the same position, endearing eyes focused on me underneath his messy hair as it fell in front of his face. 

 

"Here, babe," I blushed at the casual moniker.

 

"Thanks," Al was blushing too as he looked down at his bowl, seeming to forget that he was the one who used the name first now that he had settled back into his quiet state of mind. 

I lifted up the many blankets, and curled up close to him, balancing my pasta dish on my lap. He ate slowly and silently, his body heat radiating and filling my heart up. I opened my mouth once to initiate conversation, but I figured he needed to be let alone for now. I finished my food before he did and took my bowl to the kitchen. As he continued to eat, I laid down on the pillow and attempted to rest. I felt like my brain had been running on overdive all evening. 

I heard the clattering of dishes soon, and the shifting of weight from the bed.

 

"No, I'll take it love," I insisted, getting up to stop Alex from going to the kitchen.

"Jesus, Mi, I don't need that much bedrest."

"Just lay down. I'll be back soon you proud git," that made him smile and give in, climbing back in bed. 

 

I pulled Al against my chest when I came back. I kissed his back through his shirt comfortingly, more just because I wanted to feel him there. Alex's body seemed to hum underneath me, warm and happy. I stroked his chest for a few silent moments before I decided to ask him.

 

"Hey, Al. It's really been bothering me; why were you drinking alone at home?" I spoke soft.

I waited for a response, but all I heard was steady breathing. He had already fallen asleep. I smiled, kissing his cheek as I settled back into my position. 'The conversation could wait till morning' I told myself, drifting off deeply with him.


	14. Chapter 14

After the effects of that initial incident had worn off of me, things between Alex and I began to progress. Since he and the monkeys, as well as I, were on break from touring, we had endless hours to spend together; something I was so thankful for. We began to develop a steady routine. Alex would usually come to my place sometime during the day and we would spend the time listening to records or watching movies until I would fix dinner for us. We would then enjoy evenings madly making out on the sofa until Alex let on that he was tired. I always agreed that I was too and we retired to bed where Al would sweetly tell me goodnight. He often turned his back to me and I left him alone like that, not wanting to push him. Sometimes, though, I pleaded that he cuddle up against me. He, oddly enough, always obliged without much hesitation. I never questioned it, only silently savored the feeling of his breath on my chest as he fell asleep.

 

I wanted to get on with it before Al started bringing alcohol into the situation, which he hardly did in the beginning. I was pleasantly surprised at him; always wondering if he had caught on to the fact that his tendencies were starting to cause problems within our relationship. At least I always assumed it was a proper relationship. I loved the thought of Alex being my right "boyfriend," or "partner," or even "lover. Though we never talked about titles, of his drinking, or much of anything really. He just kissed me. He just fucking  _kissed_ me, starting angry and rough, but slowly backing off until my knees were shaky. It didn't matter if we were lying down, which we typically were, my legs would still go weak when he kissed me. Entangled on my couch, him on top, and the two of us sweating and gasping desperately until I knew Alex was hard or at least almost. That's how we always ended up. But he always stopped. I wanted him to go further every time, but I never said anything. I knew of his insecurities and how they might be what was getting in the way. 

 

One day I asked him about it. While we were a mess on the sofa, Alex coming undone more that usual this time. He pulled at my shirt, bringing me closer, his hair falling in his eyes. He gasped softly, pulling away after a moment. He still gripped to me as he pushed his hair away sloppily. I stopped him before he went in again.

 

"Why don't you just take it off?" I asked.

 

"Hmm?" he breathed out in his low and warm voice. His cheeks were flushed pink still and I gently touched his face.

 

"My shirt. Just take it off this time." 

 

He was silent for a moment, pulling away to lean up against the sofa.

 

"Fine. I'll do it then," I decided, trying to test him in any way I could. I reached for my buttons.

 

"No, I want to," he immediately started. I smirked. Of course. 

 

After my shirt was off, I reached for his. I looked at him once we were both shirtless, but he still stayed up against the sofa.

 

"Well, where were we?" I prompted, searching him for the insecurity holding him back.

 

"Don't know, Mi. I'm kinda tired now to be real honest..." he trailed off.

 

"Don't give me that. You were just all over me-"

 

He started to say something, but I cut him off.

 

"No. Now honestly, Al...babe...why do you always say that when I know it's not true? Why do you always stop?" I spoke as gentle as I could, touching his hand to play with his fingers absentmindedly. 

 

He didn't say anything for a moment, just looked at me like he couldn't find the answer. He pulled his hand from me.

 

"What? Is it sex you really want Miles. I mean just tell me, then." He sounded caustic and defensive, his arms crossed almost protectively around himself. I sat up and brought him to sit in my lap.

 

"Not at all. Not if you're not ready. It just always seems like you are and then you stop. Is there...something you're afraid of?" I tried to approach the subject tenderly.

 

He didn't speak, always choosing his words, as I ran my fingers through his hair to calm him. 

 

"You don't have to tell me right now. It's okay-" I offered when he hadn't said anything yet, but he cut me off quietly.

 

"Never done it with a bloke is all..." he mumbled, not looking at me. 

 

I smiled to myself, burying my face in his hair and holding him closer to my chest.

 

"It's fine. Just tell me when you're ready to. I just wanted to know that I was doing enough for you." I promised.

 

We sat in silence for a while, me just rubbing his back and cradling him against me. 

 

"Tomorrow night," he blurted, still looking out the window across from us instead of at me. 

 

My heart pounded. "You sure?" I asked.

 

"Mmm," he nodded wordlessly, finally turning to smile up at me. 

 

I beamed right back before kissing him, feeling happier than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was supposed to be longer but I didn't have a lot of time to write it this evening even though I really wanted to so I'm just splitting it up into two chapters. Hopefully tomorrow I can post the next one. If not tomorrow than this weekend for sure! As always thanks for reading.


	15. Chapter 15

I heard the doorbell at half past seven. 

 

 _"That'll be Alex."_  I thought to myself. I was so nervous tonight that I had noticed my new habit of talking to myself as I tidied up the place and fixed our meal.  

"Hello," I crooned, opening the door to see him standing there in his navy blue peacoat, holding a bottle of wine to his chest.

"Hello, love," Al smiled, immediately coming inside and kissing me deeply. I swayed, backing up against the side table by the door to keep myself up.

"Whoa, Al. Not just yet, alright. I proper cooked for you and everything."

Alex just smirked so arrogantly. He grinned at me with that cheeky smile and I already felt intoxicated. I kissed that smile again just sweetly; softly.

 

He followed me into the kitchen and sat the wine bottle down on the counter, hanging his coat on the chair. I twisted the label around to see what he had brought. Something French I had never heard of.

 

"French, eh? Sucking up a bit are we, Al?" I flirted, spinning the bottle around. 

He blushed, and I suddenly wondered how much this bottle had cost him.

"How much did you pay for this, again?"

"You do not want to know."

 

I stared at him in disbelief. 

"Alex, I swear if you paid more than 30 quid for this..." I trailed off as his face turned bright red and he started fiddling with his shirt buttons.

"What?" I said.

He didn't say anything. He just stared at his hands. 

"How much was it?" I kept prying. 

"160," he mumbled, not looking up.

 

"160 pounds?!" I exclaimed, grabbing the counter in order to not fall over. 

"I'm sorry. I just wanted it to be special, that's all." he muttered back, still looking down and fidgeting all embarrassed.

 

We sat in silence for a few moments until I started giggling. Alex looked up, incredulous. 

"You are fucking daft," I concluded. 

Alex just sat there, confused. I walked around the counter and held my hands to his cheeks, kissing him lovingly.

"What, so you aren't upset with me?" Al asked, looking flushed after our kiss. 

"'Course not," I assured him. 

He smiled, burying his face in my chest. We stayed like that for a couple minutes. I just took it all in: his smell, his warmth, his hands, his hair. I wanted him right then. 

 

"So, what did you make me anyway?" he suddenly blurted out. 

I jumped, and walked over to show him the chicken I had roasted and the bread in the oven. He reached up for two wine glasses as I explained everything I had made. 

"Sounds wonderful, babe," he commented. My heart swelled at his attitude. I mean, I knew this was a night where he would be in a good mood, but something else was there. He just seemed looser; more carefree. I hadn't seen him like this in so long. I looked at him pouring the wine into his glass. He hadn't been drinking around me in weeks. Not until now. My stomach felt sick, and I reached for his glass.

 

"Eh, let's not break out that 160 pound worth wine yet. Better save it for dinner," I mumbled, picking up the bottle too and carrying them over to the counter by the stove.

"Dinner's almost finished anyway, Mi," he said back, still smiling. He must have thought I was still playing a cute little game. He must have thought I was still pretending to be on his case about spending so much on something so superfluous. But that's just the sort of thing Al would do; the sort of thing addicts would do. They would make excuses for splurging on their fixes, make excuses for how important it is. He got up to fetch the wine from behind me. I kissed him as an intercept. It was a long kiss, angry and hard as I pushed him against the sink counter, digging his back into it as I clutched his waist. He moaned and grabbed my arms, seeming to forget all about his drink. 

 

I needed this to last, but of course it wouldn't. Al broke away. 

"What about all that 'oh but I cooked you a proper meal' nonsense?" he laughed, pecking my cheek before reaching around me to grab his glass. He took a large drink.

"Bloody good, Miles. You really should try some."

 

But I wasn't listening. 

 

\---------

 

Dinner passed in a sort of blur of Alex drinking and me trying to make conversation. He began with just a couple glasses, and did fine. It was looking hopeful that we would have the enjoyable evening we intended. By the fourth glass I was becoming wary. He wasn't even tipsy yet, but it was just the fact that he kept going that made me nervous. By glass six I asked him to stop. He just smiled and kissed me as if there wasn't a care in the world. 

 

I was becoming too tired to fight him anymore, so I just drank to match him. We became a swirling mess of alcohol and laughter; something usually romantic and satisfactory. I was in a daze; too overwhelmed to care at all. At eight glasses, Al was becoming really touchy. In my almost equally drunk state I let him rub his hands through my shirt, lifting it up just slightly so he could trace circles on my hipbones. We somehow ended up on the couch all intertwined. Al's hair was falling down and he kept his wine secure in his fingers. His lips tasted like the wine and something else that I didn't want to forget, but that made my stomach swim. 

Alex became more needy, humming against my neck and so slowly but _so_ deliberately pushing his hips into mine at graceful intervals. I giggled and stroked his greasy hair from his eyes, asking him to look up at me. His somber brown eyes felt like needles in my side as I stared at him. I couldn't really make out what was happening in that moment, and I knew we both wanted to have sex but I knew we were both stupidly drunk and I knew my heart was trying not to tear itself apart at that realization. I kissed him gently, almost an act of coaxing him into forgetting about our plans. I had one foot on both sides of the fence, but my head wasn't all the way underwater yet. Alex laughed under my kiss, and persuaded me to open my mouth more. I pulled at his shirt. His black and white striped shirt that was too tight on him. His black and white striped shirt that I always joked with him about, telling him it looked so gay. What a jokester he was. 

My mind wandered too far and Alex was on top of me, leaving me breathless and sinking into the couch. He hands were cold and my chest was warm as he unbottoned my shirt and rubbed my chest. The kiss was still going and I wished I could ask him why he never usually loved me like this. He was never so skilled; so passionate. My heart knew why, but I wasn't speaking to it right now. 

Kisses traveled from my mouth down to my chest and I closed my eyes to the pitch black of my mind. This was amazing, but my mind wasn't capturing it. Everything was asleep except my animal instincts. Everything was disconnected; shut down. 

"Alex," I tried whispering, but my mouth didn't open. I guess that was disconnected too.

"Miles," he suddenly mumbled up in my ear. It was so loud that I winced. "Take me to bed,"

His voice rumbled through my hollow mind and my hands obeyed, picking him up and carrying him against my chest. 

I laid him down and he pulled at my open shirt until I was on top of him, our legs tangled in each other and his hands jumping.

"I"m so excited. Just do it already," Alex laughed, quietly snickering in my ear as he pulled me in by my collar. 

I laughed back. His eyes were all sparkly. 

I took the rest of my shirt off and flung it across the floor. Everything was taking over: his hands, his mouth, my empty brain and reckless body. 

I undressed him slowly and carefully. I couldn't miss this no matter how much my mind wanted me to. Oh, god he was so beautiful. He was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I wanted to cry but nothing was working right. I kissed him and pushed him up against the headboard. He struggled to get my pants off and we both laughed into each other. The smell of his hair was so overwhelming I thought I might die. 

He looked scared for the smallest moment as I leaned in to kiss him. The both of us were totally vulnerable, but I knew everything was hazy tonight. 

"We don't have to," my voice was small.

Alex grinned, and kissed me. It was a different kiss. It filled all my senses and my body felt weak and shaky. 

"I want to," he whispered.

"We're both drunk," I protested weakly.

Alex did nothing but laugh. 

"Get on with it," he whispered again. I didn't know why he was whispering but I liked it. It calmed me down. 

I kissed him again, and turned him over. He laid on his stomach and looked up at me. His disheveled hair fell in his eyes and his shapely back looked like something from a film in the evening light. 

"I wish I could take a picture. I never want to forget the way you look right now," I said, stopping everything.

"Do it," he said quietly. His voice was only above a whisper.

I saw my phone on the bedside table and opened it up. "Don't pose or anything. Please just lay there," I hardly breathed. I took the picture and sighed, looking at him. "Look at me as much as you can, okay?" 

He just smiled. 

 

 

Alex was heaven. We were heaven together. His body was all consuming and his eyes were shining like the sweat on his back as we moved together. The noises he made were something else. He was quiet at first, almost scared, but as he grew louder I melted faster. He let go of all the fears I knew had been there for so long as we laughed and cried together. I almost didn't care that we were both so drunk. I almost didn't care that I didn't know what Alex was thinking and that he might not know tomorrow. I had never felt so happy. I let go of years of pent up anger and frustration in the bedsheets and Alex's hands gripping to them as he moaned my name were all that was left. 


	16. Chapter 16

In the morning when he woke I was dreading another mood swing. In the harsh sun I predicted him slipping back into a more sober mood, a more shy mood, a more conventionally 'Alex' mood. I woke before he did, and the noon day was peeking through the curtains, illuminating Alex's skin. It was late and we were both hungover, but somehow he looked more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Was it the sex? So cliche. Was it my hangover? Possibly. Was I falling in love with him again and more heavily? Most likely. 

I looked at him, totally mesmerized. I felt ridiculous. I felt like a scene in a boring romantic film. I was watching my significant other sleep after a night of brilliant love-making that undoubtedly changed our entire senses of self and brought us closer together a couple. I chuckled at the mere idea of it all. 

Alex's eyes slowly opened, and his hand fumbled on the sheets until it reached mine. I smiled, squeezing his palm. 

"Good morning," I whispered.

"Shh...too early.." he mumbled, his eyes slipping closed again as he crawled nearer to me. He wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his face on my bare chest. 

"It's past noon!" I argued, just to tease him. 

"Shut up.." his voice was muffled against my chest. "I'm still drunk and my arse hurts like hell.."

I laughed out loud without really meaning to. "Yeah, that'll happen," I said. 

Alex picked his head up and smiled along with me. He adjusted his position, tangling our legs together even more than the already were, and took to stroking the back of my hair as he looked at me with a new fondness. His eyes became soft and I could tell he was thinking really seriously. 

"It's worth it," he almost-whispered after a few moments. 

I just smiled. He kissed me and pulled away quicker than usual.

"Sorry, I bet my breath tastes real fucking wank," he apologized, crinkling up his nose. Fuck, he was cute. 

"I don't care. I don't care at all."

 

\-----------

 

I started not caring at all about a lot of things. I conveniently ignored Alex's drinking problem as I told myself it was okay when we both were drinking. He was safe when it was the both of us. He was healthy, loved, and safe. So, we both drank. A lot. And the drinking gave way to sloppy kissing which gave way to roaming hands which gave way to lots of sex. Sober sex just wasn't our thing. It was okay. All couples had idiosyncrasies and habits that bonded them. Ours was drunk sex. It was _okay._ It was okay. I loved him. I loved him I loved him. That was enough for it to be fucking okay.

On the evening before the start of the new year, Alex came around to my place as was our routine. It wasn't a strict routine and it wasn't a set routine. Nothing in our relationship was either of those things, but like our relationship, our routine was _ours._ He had that wild gleam in his eye that told me we were in for something exciting that night that he planned to put into action. I wrapped my arms around his slim waist as he walked in. He didn't smell like alcohol yet, which always made me feel better at first, before I pushed the thought away because it was okay no matter what he smelled like. 

 

"Hey," I muttered into the top of his head as I held him.

He chucked into my chest and it seemed to bounce through my body. "Hi."

He lifted his head up and kissed me gently before letting go and racing over to the kitchen. 

"Pour us some wine, please dear," he said in an overexaggerated voice to make me laugh.

"Why have wine, when you can have champagne?" I offered, reaching into the fridge for the bottle I had bought just for the occasion.  

 

Alex's face lit up. "I can't believe I didn't think of that," he said as he walked over to me. He wrapped he arms around me from behind as I stood in front of the fridge. 

I kissed him quickly as I turned around to get glasses for the drinks. I poured them and handed one to Al.

"Cheers," I said, clinking his glass against mine. He smirked and took a drink.

 

After a few moments of silence, Alex spoke up again. "You know what would go good with this?" 

I grinned, walking over to him and leaning my head on his shoulder.

"What?"

I picked up my head as he dug around in his jacket pocket for something. I furrowed my brow for a moment before I realized what it was. A small plastic bag filled with...

"Weed?" I asked, laughing. "Are you serious?" 

"Why wouldn't I be serious?"

I stopped for a minute, looking at him. He was genuinely confused about why this didn't seem reasonable to me. It was almost as if he was thinking "Well, duh, Miles. You've trusted my destructive behaviour for this long now. What else did you expect?"

It's not that I found weed incredibly dangerous. I just hadn't done it much since high school. It felt oddly juvenile and silly to me. 

"It's just..I didn't expect it that's all," I said, crinkling my brow. 

"Well you don't have to if you don't want. I just thought it would be something different that usual," he said, digging in his jacket for a package of rolling papers before circling around the bar to hang his jacket on the chair. 

"No, no. I'll do it," I chuckled. "I just haven't since high school, you know. It's kind of funny that's all." 

Alex laughed as he sat down and started rolling a joint. As he lit it he trailed off into the living room and laid back on the sofa. He handed it over to me as I sat next to him. I took a drag and handed it back.

"Holy shit..." I said. 

Alex laughed. His face looked different tonight, somehow more beautiful and carefree. He took another hit and leaned over against me. He  _loved_ cuddling. I loved that he loved it. I wrapped my arms around him and we continued passing the joint back and forth. He started getting louder and more talkative as his high kicked in. I started feeling it soon too and all I could hear was his laugh. All I could see was his face. 

"I love you," I whispered in his ear after we had finished smoking. 

Alex giggled. "You're crazy," he whispered back. 

"No. No I'm not...I love you Alex," I insisted, pushing his hair out of his eyes so he would look at me.

"That's just the weed talking, babe," he said back, still laughing and smiling so much it was driving me insane. 

"Noooo. Nooo...I love you and I know I do because you look beautiful right now and you're always beautiful and I think I've always loved you but I never really...knew," I rambled and rambled, not even sure what I was saying but I knew it was the truth.

Alex still tried to laugh it off, but he could see where the line between joking and serious was blurring. He sighed, and kissed me. I kissed back with so much. For some reason, right then, I  _needed_ him to know how much I loved him and how much I would always love him. He started kissing more passionately, letting his hands grab my hair and pull as he pushed me down into the sofa. I loved it I loved him. All I could think about was how much I loved him as he kept going, grinding harder into me and pulling at the zipper on my pants. 

"Do you want to fuck me?" he asked with his lips pressed to my neck and his hand on my zipper about to pull it down. Everything seemed serious all of the sudden. His voice was deeper than usual, low, calm, careful, sexy. He was so sexy. My mind was all mush and I just nodded in agreement. Whatever he wanted. Whatever he wanted was okay. It was all okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry about never updating. I'm really insecure about my writing plus I procrastinate all the time so it makes me slow to get things written. With the new year I will hopefully be better at frequent updates! I hope you all like this chapter it was going to be longer but I just don't have the attention span sometimes. It feels kinda awkward and short so yeah I'm truly sorry about that. I'm excited for how the story is progressing though. Please comment and thanks for reading! :)


	17. Chapter 17

Life with Alex was becoming a whirlwind. We were becoming regulars at downtown clubs and parties around the city. We would drink at home, then go out and drink some more, before coming back home and smoking before we fucked and then went to sleep. Then we would wake up at 5 in the afternoon the next day and do it all again. Alex pretty much permanently moved in with me after a while of it. The rest of Arctic Monkeys didn't mind any of it. In fact, they participated in most of the antics, aside from the sex of course. We all gathered at friend's flats and popular clubs for wild nights that lasted well past 6 in the morning. Alex almost always supplied the drugs and I was never sure how he did. I never saw any of his dealers during the beginning. We would just show up together somewhere and Alex would magically pull weed out of his jacket while everyone cheered. I wasn't worried. It was fun, it was fantasy. I was in love and it was dangerous and sexy. When I would look at Alex dancing against me in the heat of a morning with his unwashed hair falling in his face, his unkempt two-day old clothes wrinkled against his frame, and a joint between his lips I felt like I was somewhere better than heaven. 

 

I don't even know how it happened. Alex had all these connections. We just went out one night and got totally hammered together then came back and fucked. The cycle just repeated itself endlessly and the parties became longer. We were everyone's favorite guests, mostly because we were always drunk before we even arrived. Plus we would do just about anything. One night Al spotted a real fit bloke at one of the parties. He kept eyeing him and I had to smack him a couple times before he turned away to tell me of a plan he had.

"Relax, Mi. I have an idea, alright."

"What?" I grinned before taking another drink of beer. 

"This bloke is good-looking right? I mean I know you can agree."

I took a glance over at him. He was pretty fit. Tall, slightly muscular but not too ripped, scraggly beard and longer hair pulled back into a small ponytail. He was wearing grey trousers that fit well from behind and a black t-shirt. I nodded to Alex.

"So...let's take him back to our place," Alex suggested. His eyes were twinkling.

I looked at him hard for a second. "A threesome? With some random bloke? He's probably straight. You'll just embarrass yourself asking."

"No, no, no. You can tell he's gay. I mean, just look at him. Plus he hasn't been talking to any women all night, but you and I both know a man like that could get any bird he wants at any time. The reason he's not: he's only into blokes. He's not approaching them though because, you're right, he looks straight. When you're not in a gay club, every man looks straight. It's a right scary experience trying to hook up. So, we'll make it easy on him by approaching first. He'll agree, I mean look at you. You're enough to make him agree by just looking," Alex explained. He was so high. 

"Me? Have you seen yourself? I might as well not even be here. Guys are always looking at you when we're in public."

"Oh, shut up," Al blushed, smacking my cheek playfully. "Now, let's go get him." 

 

That next morning, I woke up to Alex completely naked next to me without any blankets on him and a mess of scattered, very racy, Polaroids on the floor. I laughed out loud until I couldn't breathe. Our third partner was nowhere to be found. 

 

Soon, all of our friends heard of the incident and it became a popular story to tell at parties when everyone was drunk our of their minds. Alex and I kept all the Polaroids, but hid all the especially lewd ones. We showed a couple to anyone we were sharing the stories with, though. These were the more tame ones. The most infamous of these being Alex laying next to our mystery man, Victor, with his arms around his neck. Alex was clearly high out of his fucking head, and Victor was smiling with a cigarette in his hand. Alex shirt was riding up on his chest and Victor had his hand on Alex's exposed hip. I was in the side of the picture holding up a beer bottle with one hand and the camera in the other to take the shot. I had the craziest look in my eye. Looking at the picture afterwards was unnerving in a way I couldn't explain. I looked insane. I hardly remembered any of that night. 

Everything was so exciting. I felt like shit every time we'd wake up from a crazy night, but I always fixed it by drinking some more and sleeping until we headed out for another night. Alex looked very tired all the time, but he didn't act like it. Especially when we fucked. And we fucked  _a lot._ Either one of us was high and the other was drunk or we were both at the same time. It never lasted all that long because Alex was so bloody good. It was sweaty and exciting and wonderful, though. We would collapse into the bed after and he would always lay up against me, making me hold him until he fell asleep. He clung to me so fiercely before he drifted off, like he was afraid I wasn't going to hold him. I loved holding him. I loved that he always wanted me to. I would do it for forever if he wanted. I would never go anywhere else if all he wanted was for us to lay in bed together with each other until the end of the world. It's not like either of us really had any responsibilities. 

 

Time moved so fast. One night he and I and the rest of Arctic Monkeys were all gathered in one of our usual clubs downtown. Al and I, surprisingly, weren't drunk yet. We were just chainsmoking cigarettes bitterly in a corner booth with all our typical party mates. It was early, around 12:30, and we had just only awoke about an hour ago and left the flat quickly. We hadn't even had time for a little bit of wine before we met up with everyone. The night was too young, and there seemed to be nothing to do for once.

"This is bloody boring. I want to get fucked up," Alex commented, taking a drag of his cigarette as his knee bounced up and down impatiently. 

"Same here.." I agreed, lighting my 3rd cigarette in a row. 

Matt came back with beers for all of us. Alex downed a third of his in one gulp and then continued to bounce his knee. Suddenly, after taking another long drag, his eyes became wide. 

"I have an idea. I know a bloke who can get us some real great stuff. I'll just have to call him up and go meet him. Won't take more than probably 35 minutes."

I shrugged. At this point weed was weed, but if one of Alex's guys had some type of new stronger strain I guess it would be fun. Al got up from the booth and took his beer with him to walk outside and give the guy a call. After a couple of minutes Alex came back in, with and empty beer bottle and a huge smile on his face. 

"Alright, I'll be back in about a half and hour." He leaned down to kiss my cheek before heading off. He smelled so good. I felt my heart rush and I suddenly wanted to cling to him longer, but he was gone in a flash, winking at me as he left to get our drugs. 

 

Alex came back in the amount of time he promised and we were all agitated and ready to get high. He sat down next to me and pulled the small plastic bag out. White powder. 

"Cocaine?" I said, incredulously. 

"Shhh," Alex said laughing as he pressed a finger to my lips.

"I thought you were getting weed?" 

"Nah, I wanted to try something new. Everything feels so repetitive, you know? We need something else." his eyes were all bright and shining as he excitedly rubbed his thumb into the bag in his hand.

I looked at him. His eyes were glimmering, happy, mischievous, all the things they usually were. I saw that all, but looking deeper there was something else, something was hollow in his pretty brown eyes. I touched his hand that was holding the bag of coke. 

"The night's fucking boring, Miles. It's not really gonna get any better." he was still looking at me with those eyes. I felt my throat closing up and I squeezed his hand tighter. 

"I love you," I said. 

He laughed a little, uneasy. "I know, babe. I love you too, now will you do the coke or not. I'll take you home if you're not in the mood tonight."

I just smiled. I smiled and kissed his head. 

"Maybe," I whispered. Everyone else could obviously hear our conversation, but I felt completely alone with him as I watched his disheveled hair falling across his face and his oily skin shining like his eyes. I felt self-aware for the first time in a long time. I hated it. 

"I know the guy real well, Mi, I promise. You won't get hurt, I swear. I'll take care of you." he said earnestly. 

No, god, Alex. He was so disillusioned.  _I'm supposed to be taking care of you._ That's why I'm doing all of this. I want you to be safe. I love you, Alex. 

"I trust you," I promised. He grinned in his enticing way that told everyone we were about to have the time of our lives. 

"Alright," he said with those glimmering eyes. "You and me first, babe." He grabbed my arm and dragged us to the toilets in the back. Surprisingly the restroom was empty. We only had a few minutes though before it wouldn't be. He opened up a stall and pushed me in. 

"And what are you planning to do it off of?" I asked, smirking. The space was cramped but it felt so thrilling being that close to him, in public, about to do dangerous drugs when we could be caught at any moment. 

He started unbottoning my shirt. "You," he said, winking. 

Alex pushed me against the wall and pulled the bag from his pocket. I watched him shake out a small line in the hollow of my collarbone. I was shaking with the weirdest anticipation. This was so hot. Why was it so hot? He laid his hand on the back of my neck, almost gripping it as he leaned his face against me. He quickly ripped the line and I tensed up. He winked. "Your turn."

Everything was surreal, but I didn't want it to end. I pulled Alex's tight black t-shirt off and repeated his actions. Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit. 

"This is way better than weed," I said before grabbing Alex by the back of his head and kissing him passionately, pushing him harder against the stall wall. He kissed back, grabbing my hair in fists and trailing his mouth down my neck and chest.

"Fuck everyone else. Let's go home and snort the rest of this ourselves. And then let's fuck until we collapse," I begged him, looking into his hollow eyes. Everything was scary but I wanted more. He smirked, and kissed me slow. It was amazing. I felt so aware of everything now. My heart was beating so fast. 

"I love your idea, but we have to at least give everyone a hit before we go," he was breathless, continuing to suck at my neck and jaw. 

"Okay. But then I'm gonna fuck you like I never have before. It will be amazing. You'll feel it for days after," I sighed into his ear.

"Mmmm. I can't wait." His eyes twinkled again and he jumped up around my waist. He pulled his shirt on and buttoned mine up until the last couple at the top.

"You look sexy like that," He said. We walked out of the restroom with his arms and legs around me and my head spinning out of control. 

 


	18. Chapter 18

Alex's birthday party was one day I will never forget. 

We left the flat at around 11:30 in order to get to the first club of the evening at an early time. I already knew this would be a long night. I made Alex refrain from drinking before we left, a trend I had been trying to start lately after that first experience with coke. Not drinking before we left always brought me closer to a feeling of such dreadful boredom that the subsequent drugs or alcohol brought over by friends once we finally arrived became even more invigorating.

We met up with our typical mates: The Monkeys and a few people we had started hanging around with after seeing them around a lot of parties. On this night in particular Alex had invited a few people who were unknown to me. We all sat cozy round a table in our favorite booth and I immediately pulled out a cigarette. Everyone else was already smoking and some people had drinks. I felt myself itching for a beer like crazy as Al introduced me to anyone I didn't know

"There's Archie, Jeremy, and Eliza," he gestured as he draped his arm around my shoulders and took a long drag of his cigarette. "Well supplied, I trust?" he leaned over to them to ask, raising an eyebrow at Archie in particular. He grinned, using two dirty fingers to pull out a small bag of coke from his leather jacket pocket. 

Alex nodded knowingly at him then laid back against my chest, sinking low into the booth. 

"That's not very much for the whole group of us," I remarked. 

Alex just chuckled. "He's got a right stash, don't worry. Not to mention Jeremy and Eliza are packing too. We've enough to last well into the mornin'." He looked up at me as he finished his sentence and kissed my jaw sweetly. 

"Don't worry, I've got all your needs met tonight," he said, smirking. 

"Don't even talk about my needs, Al. It's your birthday," I protested, smiling down at him. 

"I know, I know. And I can't wait to see what you got for me," he winked before putting out his cigarette butt, and standing up, stretching his arms above his head. His dark red shirt moved up to reveal the edge of his pale hipbone. He was wearing my favorite shirt, and his arms looked somehow more muscular, even though I knew for a fact he hadn't been to a gym in months. 

"I've gotta take a bloody piss," Alex announced loudly as he let his arms dangle down lazily to his sides, conveniently brushing up against Archie's palm that was open underneath the table. He shoved his hand quickly in his pocket as he moved away from the booth, winking at me as he left. 

"Same here," I mumbled, putting out my cigarette. I felt silly making up such an obvious lie. Everyone else at the table knew what was happening and would be repeating the same actions later in the night, but I guess it made sense as a precaution for any onlookers.

I may have walked too fast towards the restroom, but thankfully no one else was in there except Al. He smirked at me and we walked into separate stalls. He tossed me the bag underneath the stall after I heard him do his. I quickly did a bump off my keys and tossed the bag back. We walked out of the stalls together and Alex kissed my cheek. I felt my heart pounding louder in my chest as my awareness became more pinpointed and my mind more active. 

"I love you," I whispered into his hair as he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. 

"Love you too,"

I wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked out of the restroom together.

 

When we sat back down, there were two mixed drinks waiting for us. 

"Oh, hello," Alex commented as he slid into the booth. 

"Consider all your drinks on me tonight, Al," Archie said, raising his beer. "Cheers, mate."

"Cheers," Alex clinked his glass, and then took a huge drink.

"Mind if I invite Marie?" Eliza suddenly asked, looking at her phone screen. 

"Yeah, why not? The more, the merrier," Al decided after blowing out smoke above our heads. He settled down into my chest, looking relaxed and happy. I felt warm myself, but that could have been the cocaine. We spent about an hour chatting and drinking and laughing. Eliza's girlfriend, Marie, arrived after a while and we chose to head to another location. I had been under the impression that we were going to another club in town, The Dragon, it was more high-energy and perfect for dancing. Plus, you could usually get away with smoking weed in there. About halfway to the club, however, we suddenly took a detour. Alex was buzzing a great deal already and his coke high was dwindling away.

"Where are we going?" I asked him. Our arms were interlocked as we walked. "I thought we were going to The Dragon?"

Alex gave me a mischievous smile and said, "No, Jeremy has something planned at his place."

I felt a little uneasy, and the night was bloody cold, but I just followed the group to the flat in question. I kept glancing over at Alex though, as if I were afraid something was going to happen to him before we even got to the flat. 

When we arrived lots of people settled down into the chairs circling a big TV while others went into the kitchen to grab some booze. I was thankful for the beer that was put in my hand at that point because I was coming down hard off the cocaine. I looked around the flat. It was large and open with big glass windows and a long bar near the kitchen. There were a ton of expensive looking electronics everywhere and a huge movie cabinet next to the huge TV. 

Alex and I sat down on the couch together as someone started playing music. Jeremy soon came around passing stuff out to people. Everyone was acting really surprised and excited as they took whatever he gave them.

"What's the deal?" I asked Al, who was snuggling into my side lovingly on the couch, sipping beer. 

"Jeremy managed to get ahold of some real pure LSD." He said, laying down his head in my lap. 

I gave him a quizzical look. We both knew how hard something like that was to come by.

"Crazy, I know. But he said it were a special treat. A birthday present, like."

"Shit..." I muttered. Alex hummed in agreement and picked up my hand that wasn't holding a cigarette, toying with my fingers. 

Jeremy finally came round to us, grinning away. 

"Happy birthday, Al," he said, handing him a tab of acid. "There you are, mate," he concluded, handing one to me too. 

"Thanks, mate," Al called as Jeremy walked away.

"No problem," came the reply before he went off presumably to take his own dose of the stuff. 

I looked at the tab in my hand and then to Alex who was still holding his too. 

"Are you sure about this, Alex?" I asked. Suddenly, my stomach felt sick.

"Yeah, I mean, why not? Special occasion," he grinned.

I bit my lip, and studied his face. Everything was empty. He was already so full of tobacco, cocaine, and alcohol at this point that he seemed to have no life beyond the dopey smile. Granted, I was in the same boat, but something was telling me things had gone too far. 

"I don't know, babe. I mean, we're in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people we don't know very well. You know how this stuff gets your anxieties rearing up like mad.."

"You're familiar with me," Al said softly, rubbing my empty palm in reassurance. "I'll be with you the whole time. We'll do it together, and we'll be safe. Some kind of fucked up romanticism." He chuckled at the last part and it made me smile. I stroked his hair from his eyes and sighed. 

"Okay," I said. He sat up, smiling, and kissed me. 

"I love you," he promised. 

Then we both laid the acid under our tongues and he snuggled into my chest. 

 

Immediately my heart seemed to beat faster, and everything seemed bright. Alex came up from my chest a few minutes later, giggling like he was stoned. It made me laugh too and everything felt calm. I kissed him and it felt amazing. We had kissed a lot while stoned, but this felt somehow different. My lips seemed to tingle and it only made me laugh harder. 

After about 30 minutes I felt like I was floating. Everything made me happy and everything made me laugh. Alex got up to dance, and it seemed to be the most amusing thing I had ever seen. 

After an hour, everything started to kick in. Colors were bright and enhanced, and I felt slightly distant from everything. The music playing drew me into dancing with Alex, and I felt like everything was moving around me. I was hyper-aware of Alex's hands on my hips and his slurred voice in my ear as we moved. We collapsed on the couch after what seemed like hours of dancing. When I closed my eyes, I saw bright patterns and colors, and it made me so excited. I leaned over to tell Alex about it and how he had to try it. I felt like my mind was racing, racing, racing, and looking at Alex made my heart feel so heavy and happy and warm that it kind of scared me. I placed a hand over my heart as if trying to feel the warmth. I wanted to laugh and cry and just keep kissing Alex. He kept mumbling about how the floor was all "wavy" and after a while I saw it too. It made me feel nervous, and I grabbed Alex's hand to keep myself together. The warmth came back to my heart when I touched him and the floor suddenly became calming, like watching a sea.

I swear we stared at the floor for _hours._ I don't know what made us stop, but eventually we were up walking around. The walls seemed to be shaky as we moved along the hallway. We stopped in the middle of it and Alex began kissing me sloppily. I kissed back so fast, he tasted unreal. I kissed him and touched his waist, rubbing his shirt up off his back. Patterns behind my eyes were colorful and bright as I kissed him. It was like the kisses were narrating the patterns and movements as they waved back and forth behind my eyes. When he broke the kiss and I opened my eyes, the wall behind Alex looked really dark, like this sucking, terrifying black color. I felt my chest constrict, and I grabbed Alex's shirt forcefully. I knew the walls were actually tan and the effect was due to the acid but somehow I couldn't convince myself enough of it and I just kept staring. I thought I was going to cry, and I heard Alex's voice faintly. Suddenly, I felt him tug on my shirt to pull me away. I closed my eyes at the same time to look at the colors inside rather than the wall.

When I opened them again, we were in a bedroom and Alex was laying on the bed, facing upward. I laid down next to him, and he held my hand tight. 

"You okay?" he said. His voice sounded really loud and clear now and the ceiling was wavy.

"Yeah," I said back, faintly. I was concentrating on the ceiling. "My mind is moving so fast..." I mused. I was jumping from thought to thought, and so many images had Alex in them. 

He leaned over and kissed me. I pulled at the buttons on his shirt. The enhanced feeling of his skin combined with my mind racing past pictures of him was overwhelming me, but I just kept kissing and taking his shirt off. He started rubbing against my jeans, and I realized for he first time that I had a boner. I concentrated for a bit on the thought, which was quite difficult to do, as Alex began undressing me. At this point, I must have had it for at least two hours, right? I couldn't come up with an answer, and I was started to get worried and angry about it, but Alex pulled me away from the thought with his lips on mine again. I kept thinking about how hard it was going to be to have sex while we were so fucked up, especially when my thoughts were running a mile a second. I tried to mention this to Alex, but something about the way he kept touching me was too overpowering. 

After what seemed like  _so long,_ Al surprised me by running his lips down my chest and to my thighs. He was biting the insides and I felt like I was melting. He didn't usually do this, or it didn't usually feel so good. I couldn't decide which it was. He kept going for a bit before putting his mouth to me and gripping my thighs. I gasped. No way. This was completely beyond anything. I was probably making a lot of noise as he kept going, but this felt so good it was stupid. It was way beyond fucking on weed, or even cocaine. Everything was colorful and moving around me and my whole body felt hot, but in a satisfying way. I was  _so happy._ There was no way I had once had sex sober and enjoyed it. I decided quickly in that moment that I wouldn't ever have sex again unless I was tripping out of my mind. My heart must have been beating faster than healthy when I eventually came. Time had been totally lost throughout the experience, and I felt like he had been at it for hours. Everything seemed to take so long, but I loved it. 

After coming, I don't remember much else. Alex kissed me a lot again and I never wanted it to end. I saw a lot of shapes around me as we laid together after he was done. We were both half naked and not even under the covers. We talked about a bunch of nonsense, I'm not sure what exactly it was. I think I was trying to get Alex to tell me how long I had had a boner earlier before he had sucked me off. He didn't have any idea. Halfway through, Alex went out to get his phone in the living room and we listened to The Strokes for a while, which was incredible. I wanted to get up and dance to it, but my body didn't want to do anything.

I don't know how long the rest of the trip lasted, but by the time it ended, I was ready for it to end. I felt exhausted, physically and mentally. I don't know how Alex and I got under the covers, but we did, and we were asleep within seconds. The last thought I had before I dozed off was a mental picture of Alex sleeping next to me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always please comment to let me know how I'm doing. Sorry I posted this later than I intended, but I started working on it last night and wanted to have more time to make it longer so I decided to finish it tonight. I hope you guys like it, it was really fun to write!


	19. Chapter 19

Alex hadn't woke up yet. I had been up since 3:00, which was actually impressive for me. I sat on the sofa with coffee and the newspaper, completely sober, at least I thought, at this point. I couldn't really remember what being completely sober felt like. 

I heard the soft sound of footsteps from down the hall.

"Want me to fix you something?" I called.

"Nah, not hungry," he mumbled. I heard him opt for coffee and a cigarette instead.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Mmhm.." he muttered through the cigarette in his mouth. I heard him blow out smoke and sip coffee. "So what's on the evening's agenda?"

"Are you kidding?" I asked, bewildered. I turned around to look at him for the first time since he'd walked in. 

He raised his eyebrows at me. "No...?" he said, raising his voice into a question at the end. 

"You look like shit, Al," I tried to explain. 

"Gee. Thanks baby, you aren't exactly easy on the eyes either," he quipped back.

"Shut up," I grumbled. turning back to look at the paper.

"You mean you don't want to go out tonight?" he ignored my annoyed tone.

"Last night were a bit intense, yeah?"I answered.

"Yeah," Alex said, hard, now walking over to stand next to the sofa. "And I want to do it again, this time you on top."

I sipped my coffee and didn't look up. "Well I guess it won't be tonight then because I'm not going out."

"Fine. I'll call up Archie and them then. They're bound to be up to something." he said shortly. He had that edge to his voice, trying to make me jealous and I knew it. 

"Suit yourself," I said, thumbing the paper. 

"Fuck off with the bloody paper, will you Miles?!" Alex suddenly said loudly, making me jump as he smacked the paper from my hands. 

"Christ, Al...you really shouldn't go out, you're so on edge," I commented, leaning over to pick up the paper. 

"God, fuck off. That's exactly why I need to go out. Relieve the tension." He spoke curtly, taking a sip of coffee. 

"You and I both know that the only thing coke does is get you even more riled up and anxious. Lay off a bit really," I said as I got up and walked to the kitchen, throwing the newspaper on the counter. 

I could almost feel Alex rolling his eyes behind my back as I walked to the coffee maker. 

"I didn't even say I was gonna do coke," he retorted. 

"Whatever, just go out, I don't care," I said, looking at my mug as I stirred creamer in.

A few moments of heavy silence passed. 

"Why are you so persistent about this? What's the big fucking problem, anyway?!" he blurted. 

"I-I just think we need a break, okay! We go on and on and never stop! Don't you think we need to take a breath once in a while!" I didn't even realize we had been yelling until my last word. 

Alex stared at me hard, a mixture of something like disbelief and sadness. 

"Oh, so you think we need a break, eh?" "Maybe _you_ need a break, but I'm doing perfectly fine." he said slowly, turning away from the kitchen and slamming the door of our bedroom. 

I stood still in the kitchen, realizing we had just had our first real fight. And it was about whether or not to go out and do hard drugs all night. I sighed into my hands and turned towards the hallway.

"At least eat something, will you?" I called. No answer.

 

 

I sat on the sofa for a few hours, watching telly and feeling agitated and anxious. I couldn't focus on any programs for longer than maybe five minutes. I kept debating whether or not to open a beer, but my sober mind was battling me, asking me how I had gotten to this point anyway, where I needed a beer before the start of every hour. I eventually fell asleep and slept from about 9:00 until 12:00, waking up just in time to hear Alex getting ready in the bathroom. My mind felt sick and lagging as I walked over to the doorframe and leaned against it. 

"Hey," I muttered. 

"Mmm," Alex muttered back, looking in the mirror and concentrating on styling his hair. 

"I'm sorry about yelling," I said softly after watching him and his hair for a while. 

"It's alright...I might have got a bit out of hand too." 

He finished with his hair and turned to look at me. I smoothed out the collar on his coat and he smiled sheepishly at the unnecessary gesture. 

I looked at him and pulled him into a hug. 

"You have fun tonight, and be safe, alright? For me." 

I felt him smile against my shoulder and pull me tighter to his chest.

"I will. I love you." 

I kissed his cheek. "I love you too." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Sorry for the shorter update, but next chapter something big is gonna happen so I didn't want to write it all as one chapter, plus I have a short attention span when writing..which sucks. But anyway, I will try to post the next chapter sometime during the week. Wednesday or thursday, possibly! Thank you for the patience I hope everyone still enjoys this story I feel like it kind of has become messy lol..before it eventually ends i'll go through and edit each chapter to make it better. I don't know when that will be though so just keep reading! thanks and please comment :)


	20. Chapter 20

I tapped the end of my cigarette off the balcony and watched soft ash float down in the air. It had been a couple hours since Alex had left, and I had smoked more than enough cigarettes for the both of us combined. I was tired and worried but most of all I was bored. I was so helplessly bored. Bored without drugs, bored without Alex. I paced the balcony for a few more steps, before smashing my cigarette on the railing and walking into our bedroom. I knew Alex kept a stash in here somewhere. 

I dug around underneath our mattress, too obvious. I checked an empty drawer of our dresser, but most of the drawers were empty. I looked under the bed, too spacious. I threw open the closet, no no no!

 

"UGH!!" I shouted out loud. I was panting, out of breath, heaving, wheezing. Where the hell was that coke!? I tore at my hair in frustration. I collapsed on the bed, trying to catch my breath. My lungs were coated, I knew. Goddamnit. How had life become this way? And where was the coke? 

I drummed my fingers against the bed as I laid flat and gasping. I should have gone out, at least I would have had something to do! I closed my eyes, my heart was thumping loud in my eardrums, so loud it was like crashing cymbals in my brain. I tried to slow down my thoughts and slip into sleep, it was the only thing I seemed to be able to occupy myself with for extended amounts of time anymore. 

As my eyes became heavier and my limbs became weak, I heard the shrill ring of my phone pierce the silence. 

"Goddamnit, Alex," I muttered, slowly getting up. For who else could it be?

I looked at the contact curiously. It wasn't Alex at all. It was an unknown number. I answered it out of habit than anything else. 

"Hello..?" 

"Hi, um, Miles?" the voice sounded shaky, fearful.

"Yeah...who's this, then?" I asked.

"Yeah, um, it's Archie..ya see..Alex.."

My heart dropped. I gripped the phone tighter and tried to breathe again.

"Alex, what?" I demanded. "What? What happened?"

"Hey, calm down, mate...he was on a real trip..LSD and the like..and he was running, running all over the goddamn place. We were trying to tell him to stop, you see, but he was so fucked up...he fell down the stairs and knocked over a vase.....torn open his pant leg and cut his leg real deep on the broken vase. He hardly knows it happened..still rambling on and on. I can't take him to the hospital..they'll know he's fucked up. I didn't know what to do so I called you."

My heart pushed against my chest in rough movements, so fast I felt the blurring of the sound. I couldn't hear anything, Archie's voice just a dull roar in my ear. I knew this would happen. I should have never let him go out. I'm so stupid. So bloody stupid. 

"What's the address?"

 

\--

 

I sped through the streets, my mind racing like the sound of my car screeching the road. Lights blurred past, and my vision tunneled onto the precise lines of the road. It took me 5 minutes to get there. 

I rushed up the steps, my mind still not fully working. 

"Where is he?" I barely heard myself ask Archie as I burst in the flat.

"Tub."

I followed Archie into the bathroom, and saw Alex lying in the bathtub, blazer removed, in only a tight white shirt and grey trousers. I followed his figure, from his blurred and hazy eyes, down to his mouth with a cigarette perching inside, his shirt unbottoned slightly to reveal his shining sweaty skin. His pants were ripped from the knee down, and bloody, sopping wet and bloody. A piece of his trousers was being used as a tourniquet around the cut, gash, wound. It was huge. It was deep and soaking the cloth, blood seeping slowly down his shin. I looked into his eyes, horror filling mine.

"Hey babe, thought you weren't coming out?" he muttered, letting his cigarette drop over the edge of the tub as his head bobbed to the side lazily. His mouth hung open as he stared at me.

"Oh my god, Alex," 

"Whaaa..?" he replied, not even bothering to finish the word. 

"You're telling me you don't feel that?" I asked, in utter shock.

"Feel...I'm feeling a _lot_ of stuff, mate. Gotta be more specific." His head lulled to the side again, as if his neck was having too much trouble balancing it.

"The fucking massive bleeding cut in your leg!" I yelled, frantic, still dumbfounded and trying to come up with a solution. 

He gave me a questionable grin, and his eyes slowly wandered down his body until he landed on it. He waited a fraction of a second before widening his eyes and moving quickly, trying to get out of the tub as he screamed. 

"Holy hell, Miles!! Miles, what the fuck?! What the fuck..I'm gonna die!! Help me! What the hell happened, oh my god, oh my god.." he started rambling, looking from his leg to me, leg to me, and shaking all over, trying to get up out of the bathtub. 

"You shouldn't have riled him up, Miles! He's already so out of it! Goddamnit he could have a heart attack if he doesn't settle down now!" Archie yelled from behind me. 

"Fuck, you should have fucking told me then!" I turned around to yell right back, pushing into his chest. "What the hell are we gonna do?!"

"Miles, help me!!" Alex screamed, trying to crawl out of the bathtub. 

Archie and I both rushed to help him up, almost cracking skulls as we did. 

"Alex, no, don't get up. Just lay down and try to breathe. I'm here, okay. It's gonna be okay," I tried to soothe him, pushing his falling hair out of his eyes and rubbing his cheek. I tried not to look down at his leg, and just stare into his eyes. His eyes, god. They were so still, dark, and quiet when there was storm swirling behind them that I couldn't see. 

His breathing started to normalize, and tears slowly fell down his cheeks. I stared at them stain his skin, trying to keep mine at bay as I held his face carefully in my hands. 

"Am I gonna die, Miles?" he sounded like a child, lost, lonely, in over his head. My breath caught in my throat as I tried to talk. It seemed to ridiculous. Of course he wasn't going to die, right? It was only a cut in the leg. I didn't know. I didn't know whose reality was correct anymore. Maybe he was going to die, maybe he wasn't. All that mattered was that in his mind right now he was, and I was the only one who could stop it. 

"No, Alex, you'll be fine. Just stay calm alright?" I heard Archie say behind me. 

"Mi...?" Alex ignored Archie altogether, looking at me, pleading with me. 

"It's okay," I whispered. "It's okay." "We're gonna pick you up now. And we're gonna go to the kitchen, okay? Stay with me."

Alex nodded silently. Archie and I picked him up slowly, carrying him onto the kitchen table. 

"Shhh.." I whispered, still stroking his hair and now gripping fiercely to his hand. 

"Hey, Archie!" a voice called, revealing another young guy that was part of Archie's friend group who I had never seen before. "My cousin knows a guy who went to medical school, deals with this shit all the time. He'll be here in about ten minutes, said to keep pressure on the wound until then, and don't let him pass out!"

"Pass out?!" Alex cried, his body tensing and eyes becoming frantic. 

"Shhh, shhh..it's fine, baby. I'm here," I reassured him, nodding to Archie that things would be fine until he arrived. 

I looked at Alex's now helpless body on the table beneath me. Alex, once so proud and confident, on top of the world, king of the night. And now he was just scared. Guilt seeped into my heart as I watched him.  _I'm so sorry, Alex. This is all my fault._ I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there with him so nothing happened. That's why this had all been okay in the first place. We were together. We were having fun. I had fucked it up. If only I had come along. I could have saved Alex from himself. 

"Here, Al. Eat this," Archie came back, holding a cookie. 

Alex obediently ate it slowly. I couldn't tell if he was still tripping or not, but he had seemed to quiet down. 

"Why did you let this happen?" I said quietly. 

"Excuse me?" Archie replied. 

"You. Why did you let him get so reckless." I turned around, facing him coldly.

"Look here,  _mate._ Alex can handle his shit, alright. He isn't a fucking child. He knew what he was getting into. Mistakes happen."

"You should have at least kept an eye on him!" I accused. 

"What? Am I supposed to watch every guest at my parties? Make sure they're having a good time. Make sure they aren't flinging themselves off staircases and into my expensive vases? It's not my fault Alex had a bad trip!"

"Fuck off! Alex had only tried acid last night! You should have known he needed to be looked after, goddamnit!" I screamed, tears finally cascading over my eyes.

"No, you fuck off! If you are so concerned about his well being, then why weren't you here to see to him, then?"

Everything was quiet. I was heaving and crying, and Archie looked angry, tired, blazing. Everything was quiet. Even Alex.

"Alex?" I asked, turning around, still sniffing. 

"Alex!?" I shook him, but nothing happened.

"Oh, now you've gone and done it! He's passed out!" Archie yelled at me, throwing his beer down at my feet and storming from the room. 

I cried for real now, tears rushing and streaming so fast I couldn't possibly calm down. 

"Goddamnit, Alex. All my fucking fault." 

"Right in there, Mark," I suddenly heard someone say softly behind me. 

"Alright, is he still conscious?" a voice behind me said. The makeshift doctor arriving. 

I turned around, and shook my head, sniffling, trying not to bawl. 

"Fuck..okay. He'll be fine, I'll just stitch him up while he's out and pray he doesn't wake up."

"Oh, god.." I muttered, burying my head in my hands.

 

I sat in the corner for the rest of the night that felt like it was going on forever. The surgery seemed to take hours, and by the time it was finished, I was afraid Alex wasn't ever going to wake up. Mark assured me that it wasn't dangerous yet, but told me to call if he was still unconscious by the time we got home. 

The car ride was hell. I kept glancing at Alex every few minutes to see if he had woken up yet. The drive that lasted 5 minutes earlier now lasted 5 hours. I carried Alex to our room when he arrived at the flat, and started pacing the floor in front of the bed, debating whether or not to call Mark. I was just about to dial the first digit of his number when I heard Alex stir awake. 

"Hey...hey Al," I spoke as softly as my grinding nerves would let me. 

"Miles? What happened?" his voice was groggy, tired, confused. 

"Shhh..we'll sort it out in the morning okay? Go to sleep." 

"Only if you get in bed too."

I pushed his hair from his eyes and kissed his forehead. "Okay." 

But even with the warmth of his body, finally safe and resting beside me, I didn't fall asleep that night. I was too afraid of my dreams. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the late update! and i hope everyone likes this chapter...i feel like i might have made it a bit too dramatic and I didn't really end it well but it was getting late. The story is gonna start getting darker now...much more angst..yay..anyway please comment! I hope you guys are liking this im trying really hard to write more and focus on it and get more into it. I might start another story soon just so I can have something fresh to stimulate my mind. I'm not sure yet! I'm working on it all..thanks so much for reading!


	21. Chapter 21

At around 7 AM, I heard Alex calling from our room. I hadn't slept all night, and since 5 I had been online doing some research pertaining to Alex. I almost couldn't bear to look at his leg, knowing it was my fault, knowing I had snapped at Archie in my own self-loathing, knowing Alex would be limping for days because of it. 

I sat still in front of my laptop for a few moments before sighing, and finally getting up to go back to Alex. I walked in and saw his small body curled up in the covers, his arm stretched out to the spot I usually occupied. I leaned against the doorframe.

"Where'd you go?" He mumbled. His voice was soft and sweet with sleep and I felt my heart ache.

"Couldn't sleep," I said, walking closer now to sit on the edge of the bed.

He looked up at me for a second. I looked straight ahead at the wall, but I could feel those eyes on me.

"Me leg hurts, fuckin' bloody hurts."

I smiled in the corner of my mouth, and glanced over at him. "Do you remember what happened?"

Alex smiled weakly. His eyes looked bleak and his skin looked grey. It was as if he hadn't eaten in weeks. Hell, maybe he hadn't. I didn't actually remember the last time the two of us had eaten together, so I had no proof.

"Come lay down," he said, patting my spot on the bed. 

I crawled over, and held his hand, playing with his fingers in mine as he talked.

"I remember some of it. I hardly remember falling, but I remember the pain. I don't know how I got in the tub, I can only picture you when you came in. You look kind of hazy, but I can recall your voice. I remember being so panicked. I literally thought I was going to die. I was definitely still tripping at that point because I started imagining all these different scenarios of death...all so much more outlandish than this one. Then I thought about my funeral, and me mum crying, and I..." Alex trailed off, and I looked up at him. His face was contorted in a troubled expression, a mixture of too many emotions being relived simultaneously. 

"You don't have to tell me any more," I said quietly. 

"I remember you yelling before I passed out," he continued. I closed my eyes. 

"I think I had a panic attack, and since I was already so fucked up, I think my body couldn't handle it."

"I'm sorry," I said softly. Guilt was eating me from the inside out. 

"It's okay. It were an intense situation and everyone's emotions were flaring up...but it's all over now. We can move past it." He kissed my forehead softly and squeezed my hand.

I didn't say anything for a minute, I just looked at his hands in mine. I sighed. "Do you want your pain meds now?"

"Yes,  _please_!" he exclaimed, kissing my forehead quickly again before throwing his legs over the side of the bed. "Shit...so bloody sore."

"Yeah..it will likely be that way for a few days.." I said quietly. He seemed to be in such good spirits and I felt my stomach twisting into a knot. 

I helped him walk into the kitchen and sit down at the bar. I fixed him some tea, and handed him a glass of water with his pills. 

"What do you want to eat?" I asked, looking in the fridge. "And don't tell me you don't want anything because I know for a fact that you haven't eaten in at least 8 hours."

Alex laughed, sipping his tea. "If you're so concerned, why don't you just pick for me."

I smiled, taking some eggs out of the fridge. I set out to make him an omelette and toast. After starting on the egg, I ventured over to where my record player set, and put on Blur's self-titled LP. 

"I haven't heard this one in a while!" Alex said, beginning to sing along to Beetlebum. I grinned at him, acting so dorky and carefree. I felt like we weren't even in the same universe as we were last night. This morning was becoming reminiscent of a day in the early stages of our relationship, the first time Alex had actually let his emotions towards me come out. I laughed at how this song reflected back on that day so well. 

As I was thinking this, I suddenly felt Alex's hands on my sides and his voice in my ear, roughly singing to me. His fingers glided up under my shirt and grazed my skin. I shivered and leaned into him.

I turned around and let him kiss me, pressing my back against the kitchen counter. I sighed, grabbing his shirt in handfuls. We hadn't kissed like this in forever and my brain was buzzing. I felt his hands start to venture down and I grinned against his mouth, still moving. I let him go on, relishing in the way he felt. I couldn't seem to remember the last time this felt so  _intimate._ I tried to recall our acid trip sex, but somehow it seemed like nothing in comparison to this. To just him, soft and sleepy, holding me and slowly loving me. I fell into his grasp, and let him kiss and touch me until I felt myself whimper into the crevice of his neck. 

"Not now, Alex," I finally gasped. 

"What? Just because I'm injured doesn't mean I'm incompetent," he mumbled, letting kisses fall against my neck and letting his hand continue to push against my pants with an unmatched urgency. 

"No..I mean..," I tripped up against his kisses, "I mean...eat your breakfast first.."

Alex laughed darkly, rubbing his hands up my sides under my disheveled shirt as he kissed me deeply. I moaned quietly, sinking further. He pushed my back against the counter harder, his thumbs pressing into my skin to keep me still. I intertwined my fingers in the locks of his long hair, grabbing to him almost for stability. He picked me up and set me on the counter, struggling to unbotton my pants. 

"Stop, Al! I'm gonna get my arse burnt on the stove!" I laughed, moving his hands away. 

He smiled, finally stopping. "Alright. But you're not gonna wanna kiss me after I've eaten an egg." He leaned up against the sink behind him, smirking. I looked at him, stupid, beautiful wanker. He was lazily perched there in a messy white t-shirt and his baggy boxers, his legs crossed casually in front of him with the effects of my lust written into his tousled hair. I hadn't felt this aware and clear in a while without also feeling like I wanted to die. I didn't remember his skinny legs looking so perfect to me. I didn't remember his tired eyes ever being so endearing. 

I jumped down and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Yeah, I guess I wouldn't want that now would I?" I leaned in to kiss him again and he picked me up around the waist, wrapping my legs around him. "I knew it."

\--

Afterwards we laid in a tangle of arms and legs on the couch. I clutched Al's waist against me as he lit a cigarette. His omelette was burnt and dry on the stove and his toast was still bread, but I wasn't even thinking about that as I watched the way Alex's mouth moved into a certain shape when he blew out smoke in a slow cloud. I felt sleepy and warm, holding onto him. 

"You still want me to fix you something to eat?" I mumbled into his shoulder. 

"Nah, we can order a pizza or something later." his lips formed around another long trail of smoke. 

"I've missed days like this," I said quietly after a moment of silence. 

"I don't even remember the last time we had one," Alex agreed.

"It feels refreshing," I mused, gesturing for Al to hand me the cigarette. 

I hollowed my cheeks, puffing out a few small rings above his head. 

"Hey...you know how you were talking about taking a break?" he suddenly asked, turning to look at me.

"Mmhm."

"Well, I've been thinking that maybe you were right about that. Like you said, it feels so good to just have days like  _this_. When we're relaxing, and happy, and things don't feel so hectic and...chaotic. Plus, it's not like I can go out in this state anytime soon." 

I leaned over to the coffee table and put on the cigarette in the ashtray sitting there. Alex nuzzled into my neck lovingly. 

"I couldn't agree more," I said. I felt so calm for once. Everything seemed suddenly aligned. It was almost like last night had never happened, and we had always lived out lazy days of lounging around and smoking for hours. I was settling into the groove of Alex's body, ready for a nap, when he announced that he had to use the toilet. 

"Fuck you," I said. "I was almost asleep." 

"Sorry, babe," he replied without any hint of remorse in his tone as he kissed me and got up to walk down the hall. On his way though, he stopped at the dining room table where I had sat my laptop. He had only casually glanced on his way down the hall, but something had caught his eye to make him stop. 

"What the fuck is this?" he asked, pointing at the screen, his eyes hard on me.

"What?" I replied, having completely forgotten what had happened this morning besides having sex with Alex.

"This!" his voice rising as he read off the web page, "'Sunny Side: addiction treatment center located in beautiful Malibu, California. We work to treat substance addictions of all kinds, and help you to get your stability back so you can reconnect with the ones you love.' What the hell is this, Miles?!" 

"Fuck," I muttered, getting up to walk over to him. He had found my "research" from earlier. 

"You want to get rid of me?" He asked, astonished. I could hear the hurt in his voice, mixing with relentless anger.

"No, Al, it's not what it looks like-" I tried to explain. 

"How long have you been planning this?"

"Alex, listen, please. I were only looking at it this morning. I was worried from last night and I didn't know how things would turn out, I-"

"Oh, so if they wouldn't have turned out the way you wanted then you were gonna ship me off?! Did you plan to ask me how I felt?!" 

"Alex, I swear, it's not what it looks like. Just, calm down and forget it. It's nothing, really!"

I tried to grab his hand, to reassure him in some way with physical affection, but he jerked away from me, furious. 

"This is what you meant when you said we should take a break, isn't it? I'm not an addict, Miles. Don't even pretend like you don't do just as many drugs as me!" his eyes weren't empty anymore. They were ice cold with anger. 

I suddenly had no more sympathy and my frustrations with him were rapidly brimming underneath the surface. I don't know what happened. Everything, all my pent up concerns and emotions exploded in my chest. I lashed out.

"Don't even try to pin this on me, Al! _You_ got us into drugs in the first place!  _You_ are a bloody alcoholic! I only went along with it because, because I was scared of losing you. And now, you're right, I am a drug addict, and it's because of  _you_."

I was breathing so hard, my hands shaking. I couldn't believe what I had just said, but the truth of it was much too biting for me. I just stared at him. I couldn't take something like that back, and the both of us knew it. 

"Fuck you. FUCK you. Fuck you, Miles." he wasn't yelling, but every word was stinging me. 

"It's not-"

"Don't talk to me."

"I didn't mean-"

"I'm leaving."

"Please, Al.."

"Don't fucking talk to me!!!" 

I watched him storm off to our bedroom and heard him clattering around, getting his stuff together, getting dressed. He walked to the bathroom, throwing things in his duffel bag. I solemnly watched from the sofa. Everything was empty. I couldn't believe that only an hour ago Alex had been whining into the mattress that I was the most perfect person in the world. I couldn't believe that only an hour ago I had felt like life couldn't possibly get any better. 

I watched him walk out of the bathroom and come towards me. He stood looking at me, his hand clenched around his car keys. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't know what words to use. I waited silently. I had nothing else to say. It's not like I didn't deserve this. 

"I'm sorry I was such a burden," he said, quiet, rough, hard and biting into my spine. The slam of the flat door was enough to make the air in my lungs rush out in a coughing fit of blinding tears. I didn't even know I had been holding my breath in, and suddenly it's like there wasn't enough oxygen in the room to keep me alive. It couldn't have been more than a half an hour. A half and hour and I had fucked it up. A half an hour and he was gone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY hi guys yeah i know i suck i never update i say i will and that im getting more on track and then i fall off wildly and don't get back on im sorry it pisses me off too. also sorry this chapter is rubbish but idk im tryign im trying to understand what i want from this story, and i hope everyone can just be patient..im sure you are anyway since you actually care to keep up with this shit LOL anyway thanks guys and just a heads up for the next update- will probably be in alex POV...which i have only done once at the beginning of this story..lol im so inconsistent :/// thanks for reading. please comment!


	22. Chapter 22

"Alex?"

"Hmmm," I hummed, noncommittal as Archie walked in on me, sipping stale beer in front of some rubbish programme on telly. Barely aware, barely awake, empty. I had my injured leg propped up on the coffee table. Fuck, it bloody hurt. I had forgotten to take my meds with me when I left Miles' place. Whatever. Alcohol would numb me enough to relieve all the pain in my body. 

"You need anything?" Archie asked, plopping himself down next to me on the sofa.

I shook my head silently. He drank his own beer and turned to the TV. I had desperately came to his flat last night after the....fight. I don't even remember what all I had spewed to Archie in my emotional rage. I don't think it was anything too personal; to touchy. I turned to look at him. The atmosphere was awkward, confused, lost. I looked down into my bottle. 

\---

_"Al?"_

_"Ugh, shut up and just kiss me, will ya? I know you've wanted to since the day we met so don't bother pretending."_

_"You're not lying...but what about Miles?"_

_"Don't remind me."_

 

_I leaned in, pushing Archie back on his bed, pressing carnal, angry kisses across his scruffy beard. He was so prickly..not like Miles' beard. It was soft, fuzzy..right adorable._

_NO! Fuck him._

_  
"Do you have any coke?" I sat up._

_"What kind of question?" he smirked back. I smiled as he got up to get it._

_Alone, I was too sober. My mind wandered back to Miles' beard. I liked to play with it, pulling on the hairs until some loose ones fell. He would always get mad at me and swat my hand away, but smirk to himself when he thought I wasn't paying attention._

_FUCK. I was much too sober._

_Archie came back with the coke._

_"Thank god," I said, grabbing the bag that he threw my way._

**"And now, you're right. I _am_ a drug addict, and it's because of  _you._ "**

_I leaned over the small mirror in my lap. I saw eyes that weren't mine staring up at me. Dark, bleak, eyes. Vacant eyes. With nothing to lose. I squeezed them shut, and hit the line quick. I knocked my head back, the familiar, comforting rush seeping through me the slow way it did. I sighed in a disturbed sort of relief. Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat._

_I looked at Archie, now laying underneath me, smoking a joint in just his plaid boxers and a gold chain. I grimaced internally. Miles wouldn't be caught dead in those trashy things. His boxers would be something flashy; silky red or shiny cheetah. Maybe just classic black, and soft as the rubbed against my legs when he crawled into bed. I leaned over the mirror again. With my mind spinning enough, I kissed Archie again. The strong stench of whiskey trailed through my mouth. Miles liked sweet champagne. I kissed Archie harder, rubbing my hand against his growing hard on. His hands found my zipper and soon we were undressing each other frantically._

_"Condoms? Lube?"_

_He pointed to the drawer next to the bed, not seeming terribly concerned. Miles never forgot condoms._

_I sat on top of his almost lifeless body, on his third joint now as he watched me. He grunted quietly as I eased onto him. I kissed him, pulling on his sweaty hair. I sucked and kissed on his scraggly neck. I was frantic, rough, hard, dirty. Sinfully dirty. I pulled out all the stops, everything that made Miles come viciously every time._

_It took Archie three minutes. He hardly moved an inch. His whines were high in his throat, tight, clenched and struggling. Miles took long, he moved with me, he helped me, he talked to me. He always said my name in short, breathless gasps._

_I climbed off._

_"Fuck...Al.." Archie muttered, stretching his legs._

_I took my cigarettes from the bedside table and walked to the bathroom. I got myself off, cried, smoked two._

_I donned Archie's cheap satin robe and walked out on the balcony. I smoked five cigarettes, one after another, until I felt my high slipping through my fingers and the cold air bringing me headfirst into reality._

_When I came back in Archie was asleep. Miles cuddled after sex. Always. At first I had been neutral, but after a while I needed it like I needed my coke high at 8 AM before breakfast._

_I walked into the living room, inspected the stereo, turned it on, and let the selected CDs spin at random. I laid back in the sofa, smoking again. I mostly heard a wall of sound for about twenty minutes as I stared blankly at the ceiling. Then one song broke through._

_"You're perfect in the way, a perfect end today_   
_You're burning out their lights, and burning in their eyes_   
_I love you Sugar Kane, a-comin' from the rain_   
_Oh kiss me like a frog, and turn me into flame_   
_I love you all the time, I need you 8 to 9_   
_And I can stay all night, yr body shining"_

_I shuddered with tears instantaneously. I never told him what this song meant. I never told him how before we were together, I would listen to this song on vinyl in my room, smoking and brooding. Thinking about him, thinking about his smile, his laugh, his hands, his eyes. I never shared the intimacy of it. And now it didn't matter._

_My crying woke up the thrashing pain in my leg and my body overloaded itself, a frenzy of substances and emotions swirling into toxicity. I was shaking when I reached for a beer in the fridge. I didn't know how many I had before I stumbled back into Archie's room. I slightly remember my hands on his chest, my lips at his neck as I finally felt some release of sleep._

_\--_

I looked back up from my beer bottle and felt Archie close to me, our thighs touching. I stirred just barely. He slid a hand into mine smoothly, effortlessly. It felt cold. 

"I can take better care of you than he can, Al."

I nodded slow.

"You can have anything you want. Just ask me and I'll give it to you, you know that?"

I gave his scratchy beard a dry kiss. 

"I know."

"Mmm," he mumbled, leaning forward to kiss me again, deep, longing, trying. I barely held on.

"I'm tired, sorry."

"I bet. You fuck like a bloody animal, babe. I can only imagine how worn out you are."

I smiled meekly. He kissed my cheek and got up to order pizza for lunch.

I looked at my phone screen. No texts, no calls. I scrolled through my contacts, passed his name and stopped. I held my finger over the message icon for a moment, so close, so fucking close. 

"Should be here in about thirty," Archie's voice cut through my thoughts jaggedly. 

I clicked my phone off. "Sounds great." 

He beamed, and sat down next to me, pulling me against him in an attempt to cuddle, or something. 

"Let's change this shite..." he said, reaching for the remote. 

I knocked my head back, downing a huge gulp of beer. I hoped soon I wouldn't be able to see straight so I wouldn't have to see Archie's hand slowly curving around my waist; Miles's favorite place to wrap his arms around and never let go. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So I was actually going to start on my Blur fanfic tonight, but instead got this idea for the next chapter of this story. I think it turned out really well, so I hope everyone enjoys! In the next couple of days I hope to post the first chapter of my Damon Albarn/Graham Coxon story. There just isn't enough britpop fic! And they're a great pairing. Thanks for reading!


	23. Chapter 23

"Be safe." 

Those were Archie's words this morning before he disappeared out the door to do god knows what.

I had just wordlessly nodded. 

"Be safe." something so nonchalant and typical. Any couple could say those words to each other casually, out of habit more than anything else, but the implications today were of something more. Archie knew I would plan on seeing Miles. I also knew Archie would plan on being gone all day. I never knew exactly what he did in all those hours, but I knew how he worked: gone all day then home to sleep for a few before leaving again to be gone all night. This flat was just a place to rest his head, and that's why those bleak walls always seemed to stare me down and seep into my brain. They were empty of anything besides cigarette smoke. 

I waited about 20 minutes, giving Archie enough time to leave, and leave for good. I knew he would wait outside for just a while longer after telling me he was off because he knew I would do this. He was so possessive already. My sex must be pretty bloody good. I smiled to myself. I was sure Miles would get a laugh out of that. 

I picked up my phone. My home screen was still a picture of us. I looked at it for a minute. His eyes were shining like they always do, and his arms wrapped around my waist. I was kissing his cheek with my eyes closed. Miles' smile was heart-wrenching. I don't remember who took the picture. Hell, I don't even remember where it was taken. One morning after a party I was checking my phone when I saw it in my camera roll, among a bunch of blurry selfies taken by other people and accidental pictures of flashes of light. Among all the rest of that shit, was that one picture; perfectly in focus and incredibly beautiful. 

I sighed, and clicked on my messages. I started typing in his name. It still had a little pink heart emoticon next to it. Miles had put that there. I didn't even know where he got it from. Apparently it comes in another keyboard on the phone, but even that confused me. Lots of Miles' contacts had other little pictures like that next to them, but his was the only one in my phone with one. The simple little heart with a blue arrow piercing through it jumped off the screen when you passed it by. I clicked cancel and hit the home button. There was his smile again. 

\---

I arrived and didn't bother knocking, I still had my key. I was nervous as I twisted the knob, pausing for a moment. I was here to get the rest of my stuff. 

I walked in, closing the door as quietly as I could. It was, like, 10 AM, so there was no doubt he'd be asleep. I was thankful because I knew if I saw him it would destroy me. I was here to get the rest of my stuff. My first goal was to get my records and player. I headed for the record bin where Miles' kept both his and mine. I rounded the corner, determined and swift, until I was stopped dead in my tracks at what I saw. 

Miles was laying on the sofa, completely coked out, but still conscious, I stood totally still. I was even afraid to breathe. His head was rolling from side to side slowly and his eyelids were drooping, lined with a slick stain of oily sweat. His black shirt was halfway unbuttoned, wrinkled, and dusted over with small specks of white. The coffee table was adorned with one of our small mirrors, my secret stash of coke, and crumpled bills. It was all so melodramatic, like a scene from a movie, but that's probably why the both of us liked doing cocaine so much. Every part of it was so cliche, and so sickly glamourous, so pretentious. 

I felt a surge of anger at the sight of him. He stole my drugs, first of all, and then he had the nerve to tell me I needed rehab while he was the one OD-d on cocaine like it was his first time doing the stuff. I stood pissed for a minute, consumed in a hot rage, until my train of thought properly caught up with me. 

He had overdosed.  _He really had overdosed._ He could be dead. He could be fucking dead because of me. I had no idea if this had happened last night after the fight or just this morning. I looked at his immobile state.  _  
_

_Oh god. He could have been lying here all night dying without me._

I started crying and ran to him. I saw the wet spots of blood dripping from his nose and foamy bits of spit at the edge of his lips. I laughed dryly in my throat, almost a choke instead. This really was like a movie. This was Mia Wallace in _Pulp Fiction._ I was Vincent Vega and I was supposed to take care of my Mia. I was supposed to take care of Miles, and I abandoned him, so he did my drugs and overdosed. 

"So glamourous, aren't we Miles?"

I reached for the coffee table behind me and wiped up some coke with my finger. I rubbed it into my gums as I began to cry. I rubbed more in. I needed anything to keep my confidence up. I had never been so scared in all my life. I shook and cried as I tried to pick Miles up. 

"C'mon Miles, please," I pleaded, about to break. I dragged his limp body over my shoulder and carried him down to the car. In blind panic, way above the speed limit, I drove us to the hospital. My eyes were shielded with tears and my mind numb with guilt. 

\---

I checked Miles in with a nurse and then sat next to his bedside, watching him lay still. 

 

_"And what are you to him?"_

_I turned from Miles in the waiting room chair to the nurse at the desk in front of me. I felt confused, worried, and in a daze._

_"What?" I muttered._

_She looked at me quizzically for a second. I stared blankly back._

_"Are you his brother? Cousin? Friend..? What's the patient's relationship to you?" She repeated, slower. Her tone sounded annoyed, harsh. Sorry I've never had to bring a coked out bloke to a hospital before._

_I had turned away from her again to look at Miles' bloody nostrils and lips. He was holding onto the arms of the chair, but barely, and his head was nodding back and forth as if he was trying to keep himself from falling asleep. My mind wandered to Archie for some reason. I pictured his old plaid boxers and rotting teeth. I shook my head to make him leave my mind. I pulled at my coat sleeves and bit my lip in thought as I kept my eyes on Miles._

_"I'm....he's my......b-boyfriend," I stammered, lost in my own mind._

_"Sorry?" The nurse said._

_I turned back around to look at her as I repeated myself._

_"I'm his boyfriend."_

_She pursed her thin lips at me and made a swift check mark on her clipboard. She gave me a tiny smile as she looked up from her writing. I smiled back just as fake, and fought the urge to roll my eyes. My boyfriend had almost fucking died and the straights were still trying to test me?_

 

"Bloody nurse, Miles. You would have told her off if you had been awake, you know it? Me..I'm too shy, too passive, you know. I wouldn't have known what to say." I talked to Miles' sleeping state in the hospital bed. He was clean and stark white now, his heartbeat at a normal pace and his breathing steady. I ran my fingers through his greasy hair, and watched his peaceful face. He always looked beautiful when he slept. 

My phone rang, making me jump from my calm state. I knew exactly who it was without checking the name. 

"Hello?"

"Alex, where are you?" Archie's gruff voice answered, just like I knew it would. 

I looked over at Miles, his body a stark white save the deep blue and purple drawn in circles under his eyes, like a morbid painting. 

"Out," I said simply. 

There was a pause on the other end of the line. I almost wanted him to say something biting. I wanted him to be mad. 

"Out..where?" 

I watched Miles' heart monitor beat its steady rhythm and words for a verse or chorus wound around my brain.  _"And when I hear the ticking of your heart, I'm left wondering how long we'll have to be apart."_ _  
_

"None of your business." I replied.

"Alex, I swear to god if you're with Miles-" 

"And what if I am?" I cut in. "What if I am? I fucked you  _once_. I was scared. I was high. I was confused. It doesn't mean shit. I don't owe you shit."

I didn't realize how loud I had been and looked over to see Miles awake and looking back at me.

"Alex. Don't fucking test me."

"Oh, fuck off!" I raised my voice even louder. I didn't even bother for his response and hung up. 

I rubbed the side of my head and closed my eyes. I forgot about Miles for a second.

"Who was that?" his voice interrupted my turmoil of thoughts.

"It doesn't matter," I replied, picking lint off my sleeve so I wouldn't have to look at him.

 "Archie, wasn't it?" 

I looked up at him then, against my better judgement. His eyes were barely open, and his lips were pale. 

"How'd you know?" I asked.

Miles just shrugged, and I quickly got up to hand him the glass of water by his bedside. "You look horrible," I muttered.

"You two fucked?" his words jolted me a little. I sat back down.

"Barely." I said. "Worst mistake of my life."

Miles grinned at that, but only slightly. The smile didn't reach his eyes. "I bet he loved it. You're always good." He winked. 

I broke under his charm. Of course he could lighten the mood, even a mood like this one. I smiled knowingly. "Yeah, unfortunately." 

"Hey, does your leg still hurt?" 

I had almost forgotten about that in the midst of all the other shit going on. "It doesn't matter. I've got medicine at home."

Miles hummed in agreement. "Home." 

"Yeah? I wish we could go there, but you have to stay all night." 

"No, Al. You called my flat  _home._  It's _o_ _ur_ home." He reached his fingers out towards me and I latched onto them, getting up to crouch by his bed.

"Yeah, yeah it is, baby," I promised. I felt tears well up a little bit, and I tried to keep them from coming, but they fell regardless. Miles started crying then too, and we both ended up a mess clinging onto one another in desperation. I kissed him. I leaned up and kissed him and I didn't care. He still tasted like champagne to me, and it felt like lifetimes had passed since we last shared any form of touch. I kissed him, and held his hand tight in mine until he pulled away to sneeze. 

I laughed, looking into his deep brown eyes. They weren't sparkling like they used to, but I had no doubt they would again soon. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Im so sorry it's such a late update but I feel really good about this one and I hope you enjoy it! I know it ended on a good note...but the angst is gonna come back LOL! Also im nearing the end of the story.....lol.....i know everyone will be disappointed :( but i cant drag it on forever! im thinking it will last 26 chapters. I want to plan out each one and make sure i have a set number. so i'd say between 26 and 30. I know that's a big gap and i wish i had a more definite answer but i have the end for this story planned i just need to plan out each individual chapter to see how lengthy it needs to be! Also before I post the very last chapter of this story I am going to go back through it and edit, clean up, delete anything i dont want. Some of my grammar in here hasn't been the best and I also just want to revise some choices i've made in the beginning of the story before i really had an idea of where it would be going. When i do finish this one, I will probably be starting another one thats a friends with benefits type, very pining and angsty story..it might be a bit before i end up starting that one though. I will continue to do little milex one shots before i start in on that one so dont worry you wont be totally without any milex from me. I want to begin my Blur fic too though..plus im thinking of writing some Sherlock fic sometime soon too! So lots going on but there will still be writing from me! Also i wish ao3 had a better option on how to notify readers bc i feel like im writing huge paragraphs in the notes and ppl probably dont read them! but anyway it's just to keep everyone updated thank you for reading and always keeping up with the story no matter how long the wait is in between updates! :)


	24. Chapter 24

-Miles-

 How long until I needed a drink? How long until I needed a high? Two days? Three? A week? The sensation crept up in my mind the moment I woke up the day after Alex and I came home from the hospital. I wished I could pretend life was perfect now. Alex, my sexy, strong lover had _saved_ me. Saved me from _myself_ and we were reunited once again. We were safe, happy, and glorious in each other's arms. The perfect couple that we never were before. I knew it was only a matter of time before I needed something again.

And then there was Alex. Alex holding me, nursing me back to some deranged idea of "health", cooking for me, cleaning. He was sweet, helpful, and loving. But I always caught him. Maybe it would be during a spare moment at the dinner table, or a lull in the conversation before bed. He would give me this _look._ It was dead, empty, but somehow brimming with something. Something I couldn't explain, and something he wouldn't. I watched him when he wasn't watching me. Everything was so temporary. We needed to talk. 

"Good morning," came his sleepy, warm voice four days after our return from the hospital. I couldn't believe I'd lasted _this_ _long._ I couldn't believe _he'd_ lasted this long. There's no way I would make it through a full week. I felt the itch crawling around my head like a parasite.

"Good morning, babe," I said softly. 

He placed a simple kiss on my temple and I smiled weakly in response. This game couldn't continue forever. 

"What do you want for breakfast, darling?" He asked, standing up out of bed.

Vodka. 

"I don't care. You pick," I shot him a grin.

He returned it and traveled into the kitchen. I followed, sitting down at the dining room table quietly as he cooked what smelled like pancakes. The silence was so loud. 

"Tea?" Alex offered, walking over to me to place two mugs down and fill them. I took a small sip of mine as he walked back to plate the pancakes and carry them over to me. 

He sat in the seat across from me and stared at me from over the rim of his mug. I watched him carefully. He was doing the stare and he was doing it more forcefully than ever.

"What, Alex?" I snapped, throwing my mug down hard against the wood of the table. 

He looked at me blankly "I didn't say anything," he replied, bringing his mug away from his face. 

"No, it's that you aren't saying anything," I snapped.

He looked at me for a second. There was a slight hesitation there. Something flickered through his familiar brown eyes. He let out a long sigh. 

" _What_ am I supposed to say, Miles?"

"I don't know! Something!" I sputtered, exasperated. 

"Something?"

I nodded.

"Okay. How about I say _something_ about how you were the one telling me I had a problem. That _you_ were the one planning to send _me_ to rehab while _you_  were the one who ended up fucking overdosing?! Is that what I'm supposed to say, Miles? Because that's what I've been thinking!" He blurted out. 

"I knew you were mad. I knew you were mad and not saying anything! Why didn't you just fucking tell me so we wouldn't have to keep up this happy couple act?!" I retorted.

Alex stood up, pacing in front of the table as he chose his words.

"I don't fucking know! I guess I just wanted to forget about all of this....all of this _shit._ "

He sighed, running an anxious hand through his hair and leaning back on the tabletop. I sat in silence, staring at my hands as they kept me from looking up at him. We were both quiet, and both probably thinking the same thing. 

I slowly stood up, and walked to the kitchen, to the cabinet. To _the_ cabinet. A bottle of vodka. A shotglass (I had to at least keep an illusion of moderation, right?) I felt Alex's eyes burning holes into me from across the room as I poured the liquor. I knocked it back, and kept my eyes glued to the countertop.

Nothing. Silence. Dead, empty, silence.

 

"Pour me one, would you?"

 

\--------

 

Two hours later and were were blissfully drunk. The shotglasses were all but abandoned after the first three shots and the bottle was emptied not long after. The balcony was chilly with an overcast sky, but nevertheless we laid tangled up in each other, listless and smoking. I felt calm, but the itch had began to crawl again. It snuck up on me and wouldn't leave no matter now much I drank or how many times I kissed Alex's sloppy mouth. 

"I...need something," I mumbled out to no one in particular, tapping the end of the cigarette towards the concrete. 

"Mmm...what...?" Alex slurred back. 

"God, I don't know. Got any money? You could call up Archie...maybe he could deliver," I chuckled at the last part and leaned back in Alex's lap. 

"Archie and I aren't exactly on speaking terms," Alex reminded me.

I widened my eyes and hummed in agreement, taking a last pull off my cigarette. "I guess that's true." I flicked my cigarette across the ground and rubbed my eyes. "Do you have anyone at all you can call?" I asked desperately. 

"Mi..in case you forgot, you just got out of the hospital for a coke overdose," he chuckled lightly. 

"I didn't say it had to be cocaine," I smirked, turning my head around to look at him. 

Alex threw his cigarette off in the direction of mine, and blew a stream of smoke out over my face, an amused look flashing in his eyes.

"Oh?" he raised his voice mischievously. "Well, in that case I might just have something." He winked, and began to stand up, almost falling on top of me as he did. We stumbled and laughed as we walked inside, holding onto the wall for support. He ventured into the bedroom and I leaned on the kitchen counter. 

He staggered towards me dangling a small bag of something between his fingers. He threw it on the counter in front of me and cocked his eyebrow expectantly.

"Heroin...?" I asked, examining the bag. I almost felt disbelief. 

"Yeah, I've been saving it," he grinned.

I picked up the bag, rubbing it in between my fingers and watching the brown powder move. I glanced up at Alex with his gleaming eyes. My head was swimming with hard liquor, but some of part of me was rational enough to try and talk myself out of doing this entire bag of drugs and sucking Alex off hard and good before blacking out completely and for days. The more I looked at Alex and his infectious gaze, the foggier my mind became. What was the point? I had almost died, and I hadn't been happy since I'd come back anyway. So what? If I did die this time around at least it would be with Alex. How deliciously unromantic. 

"Alright," I agreed. Alex smiled and grabbed my face for a kiss. My heart thrummed on that alone already. I pulled away, and opened up the small plastic bag. I grabbed to Alex's hand and dumped a bump out onto his tightened fist. I then did the same for myself and linked our arms together. 

"We'll do it off each other," I giggled, wiggling my eyebrows at him. Alex smirked and bit his lip, his expression wide and excited. "On three..." I instructed.

"One...two...three!"

We pulled apart as soon as the drugs shot up our noses and entered our systems. 

"Holy shit..." I said, stumbling back a little. Alex just laughed. He laughed a warm, hearty, beautifully content laugh and clutched me in his rough hands, pulling me against him by my waist. He pressed gracious lips to mine and hummed low into my mouth. I sighed, trying to kiss back instead of just smiling like a fool. His hands traveled up my shirt and backed me into the counter. Those hungry hands ran nails across my back as the kiss deepened and my stomach lurched. The itching was completely gone and replaced with a heavy pull of pure lust. With my fingers wrapping themselves up in Alex's tangled hair it was old times again. High and horny: the best way we knew how to be.

He ended the kiss sloppy and wet, and gave me his stupid grin I knew too well. He unbuckled my belt in a rush, and rubbed his hand up against me in slow, torturous circles. 

" _Ah._ Fuck you..." I groaned. He sank to his knees and winked up at me from the dirty kitchen tiles, continuing with his teasing. I threw my head back and moaned in a combination of frustration and pleasure, pressing into his palm as best as I could. 

He was finally unbuttoning my pants and letting them fall when his phone rang in his pocket.

"Dammit! Just let it ring!" I whined.

"You really think anything else is more important to me right now than getting you off?" Alex smoothly replied. 

I smirked. "That's what I thought." 

I pushed against his hand in earnest as he kept rubbing circles and making my head spin with the lack of friction. I bucked my hips and whined in the back of my throat. He took his hand off and I glared down at him.

"Turns me on when you're angry," he commented, laying his cheek on my thigh, right against the growing bulge behind the cotton of my boxers. 

"Just get on with it..." I begged, pushing towards him.

He dug his fingers into my hips and pulled the underwear down past my knees. He leaned in, pressing hot lips against the tip of me. I growled in annoyance. Alex chuckled, and it ran low and straight to my stomach. He ran his tongue agonizing and slow up the length of my dick and I gasped. I was on the verge of tears and ready to just grab him by the back of his head and fuck his mouth until he begged to breathe when his phone interrupted us shrilly again. 

"Fuck!!"

"I better just answer," Alex's raspy voice sighed as he stood up. 

"Put it on speakerphone so I can hear what exactly was more urgent than my blowjob," I grumbled.

"Oh, god. It's Archie," Alex said.

"Good. All the more reason for me to be pissed at the interruption."

Alex clicked speakerphone. "Hello?" he said, annoyed. 

"You better not fucking hang up. I know you ignored me when I already tried to call," Archie's gravely voice replied. 

"We were a little busy," I snapped.

"And who the fuck is that?"

"Who do you think? What the hell do you want anyway?" Alex shot at him.

The line was quiet for a few moments and Al tapped his foot impatiently. He looked at me with my pants still down and my dick still achingly hard. He smirked and I hit his arm in mock anger. 

"You know..." Archie's voice crackled over the line again. "It's actually a good thing you put me on speakerphone so you and your little boyfriend can hear this at the same time," he snarled. 

"What?" Alex growled back.

"I just thought I'd remind you about all my people. All my networks. They're all over the city, Alex. And there's quite a lot of them. I know a lot of people, a lot of _different types_ of people. A lot of people looking for work, and none of them have the strongest morals..." he trailed off menacingly. 

"What are you on about shithead?" I spat. 

Alex looked at me nervously, then turned back to the phone. "Excuse me?" he said.

"You heard me, Alex. You fucking heard me." his low voice seemed to tremble through Alex's body, and then the call was ended.

"What the fuck was that supposed to be?" I scoffed, crossing my arms in front of my chest. 

Alex clenched his phone tight in his fist and turned around to look me solemnly in the eyes. My heart stilled. Suddenly, all my feelings of lust from earlier were deflating as I stared at Alex's expression freezing me in place. 

"He's going to try and kill me, Miles."

 

 

 

 


End file.
